Author's Note: The scenario mentioned in this article pertains to a relationship I was in quite some time ago. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy.
I had been dating Danny for a few months. We had met in a training class for work and the chemistry between us had been instant. He was witty, charming, fun to be around and sexy as hell with his dark looks and amber eyes. Obviously, at our ages, I didn't kid myself that I was going to be his "first" at many things. We both had our fair share of exes; I had an ex-husband and he had a baby mama. Naturally, I was curious about his most recent ex, a girl named Lola. I wanted to know what attracted him to her, their story, why they broke up, etc. I saw that he was still friends with her on Facebook, so I started scrolling through her profile.
I quickly fell down the rabbit hole of the Danny and Lola Story. I found out that they'd started out as a long-distance relationship that quickly became serious. She was enamoured with him and it borderlined on obsession. She constantly tagged him in memes and videos, even posting a comic that alluded to the size of his junk (it was then that I felt the first stab of jealousy, hating that another woman knew my man as intimately as I). I saw that they moved in together, and soon after this he proposed. Seeing Lola's expression, shock morphed into elation, as he proposed to her on one knee surrounded by cheering friends made me feel sad. I knew Danny and I had not been together long, but he'd pooh-poohed the idea of marriage when I asked him about it, saying that he didn't see why it was necessary. But he clearly didn't think it was unecessary with her.
After awhile the posts mentioning him stopped, and her posts became more sparse; I'm guessing she changed her privacy settings sometime after the breakup. My curiosity about Lola was still not sated so I started peppering him with questions about her. She'd become jealous and possessive, he said. She wanted him to choose between him and his daughter and, like any good father, he refused. So she'd broken up with him. The last time they'd talked it had ended up with her screaming abuse at him over the phone. I asked him if he wanted to know anything about my exes. He said no. "It's all in the past right? They're them and I'm me."
For awhile he humored me when I asked about her, but after awhile he started getting annoyed. "I'm with you now. And I care about you. Please stop thinking about her so much. I know I don't." I wanted to believe him. But then I noticed he still hadn't changed his relationship status on his social media and he still had many pictures of him and Lola together. We had exactly one picture of us, and in my opinion it wasn't even a good one. I started feeling insecure. Maybe he still had feelings for her, I thought. She had a lot more in common with him than I did. They also had mutual friends and his friends and family still barely knew I existed.
So I started competing with Lola. I'd be prettier, more fun to be around, and I wouldn't fail him like she did. When he couldn't go on dates or hang out because he had his daughter, I was understanding instead of being jealous. I knew she liked anime, and even though I'd left my fangirl days behind in my teens, I cultivated an interest in it so we could have more in common. I kept a hawk-eyed watch on his social media, checking to see if she'd like or comment on any of his posts, or if he'd comment on anything of hers. It became an exhausting, full-time job that I quickly started to resent. He noticed a change in me too, but I waved it off every time he brought it up.
Before I knew it, I realised that the way I was acting was killing my relationship. How could we possibly have any kind of future together if I was so stuck on his past? Why couldn't I believe him when he said he was over her and I was the one he wanted? In my insecurity and paranoia, I had also neglected to factor in the the way people curate their online presence to look perfect. As an outsider, I'd only seen their Danny and Lola's gushy FB posts and I'd made my own judgment on what had ended their relationship. I couldn't possibly know everything that had ever happened between them, nor was it my business. Also, his experiences with her had not only helped shape him into the wonderful man I knew now, he also learned a lot about what he didn't want in a relationship. I wasn't getting any profound wisdom or insight from all my stalking-- all I was doing was making myself feel bad, lowering my self-esteem and pushing my boyfriend away.
In the end, I blocked her profile and I have resisted the urge to stalk her again. Things between Danny and I have only improved from there. Without Lola's ghost looming over us, I've been able to focus more on enjoying being with him, treasuring every moment we get to spend together. It has crossed my mind that one day we may break up, I will become another Ex, and some poor girl may start stalking me on Facebook to find out that same things I wanted to know about Lola. I hope she doesn't make the same mistakes I did and idealise me. I'm far from perfect, and he broke up with me for a reason-- but treat him well, Future Girlfriend, he deserves it.
