I was born Veronica Renee Archuleta in Las Cruces, NM. I was named partially for my dad, Ronnie (which is short for Veronica) and Renee, (meaning "reborn" in French) is my mother's favourite name. At birth, I was designated female. For most of my first year of life, I wore the same little pink outfits because my parents were very young, poor, and couldn't afford to buy me many new clothes. When I was a small child, I was not really too aware of the differences between male and female. I wore feminine clothes because that is what my mother bought for me. I remember taking my role of "big sister" very seriously when my siblings were born.
Sometime during elementary school (I do not know exactly when) I started realising I didn't quite fit in with other girls. I hated wearing dresses to church. I enjoyed rough-housing, reading, and playing football with the boys way more than I enjoyed putting on lip gloss and gossiping with the girls. Around this time, I met a kid in Sunday School named Ashley. Ashley's hair was short and she wore suits to church. The girls would tease her behind her back, and they called her names I didn't quite understand, like lesbian, dyke, and tranny. It was clear that she wanted to be thought of as a boy but our classmates would have none of it. When I tried to defend Ashley, they teased me too. Soon enough the family quit attending our church. I sometimes wondered if I was a person like Ashley. I had no concept of the word "transgender" at this time, and the way that Ashley dressed and acted was very contrary to the way I was taught that girls should dress and act. Since I didn't know how to express myself, and had no one to advise me on the subject, it retreated into a dark corner of my mind.
So life went on. I entered junior high as the same rambunctious tomboy I was in elementary school. I learned that I was very good at making people laugh; I used this to earn friends and weave my way into many different cliques. I didn't quite fit into any of them, but I was popular in my own right. I started experimenting with wearing makeup, and as it turned out, when I fixed myself up just right I was an attractive girl. Boys started noticing me, and I had a string of boyfriends (whom I kept strictly at school since I wasn't allowed to date.) I envied the popular girls and did everything I could to emulate them: I read fashion magazines, I wore the nicest clothes that our tight budget could afford, and I sought their advice on hair and makeup.
When I was in my late teens, I started experiencing gender dysphoria for the first time. Gender dysphoria means basically feeling distress at being in the wrong body. The wide-eyed, curvy girl in the mirror did not match who was inside. It didn't help that friends always joked that I would have made a better guy. One of them even said, "V, you just don't know how to 'act pretty.'" I had no idea what she meant by that. Apparently this meant I was too opinionated, brash, forward, sloppy. etc to be a girl. She echoed what my mother had always told me growing up. Mum was constantly on my case for not being ladylike and for choosing t-shirts and jeans over dresses and cardigans. Once again, having no real outlet for my feelings, I chose to bottle them up and continue with life, hoping one day I would be what a girl was supposed to be.
It was not until my mid-twenties that I watched a movie called "Boys Don't Cry" that the question of my gender identity resurfaced. The film focused on the life and death of Brandon Teena, who was a stealth, non-op transman. In 1993, he was murdered after being found out by two acquaintances. As the credits rolled, I remember thinking to myself, "I'm Brandon." I was excited to finally put a name to what I'd been feeling for so long, but also terrified. I'd grown up a lot since I'd first met Ashley, and I knew the world was not kind to transgender people. I was afraid of alienating my family, losing my friends, and my then-fiance. I wanted desperately to start transitioning.
At first, I opted to do it gradually. I decided that I needed a masculine name. I chose the name Matti because it was a) ambiguous sounding (not many in the US know it's a Finnish boy's name) and b) I thought it suited me more than Veronica ever did. I had my friends, family and coworkers start calling me this. Over the next year or so I started dressing more masculine, though I was still not out of the closet to anyone but my fiance and a few close friends.
My first attempt at transition was a disaster. Once people started getting the hint, I noticed that they started treating me differently--sometimes, in bad ways. I worried that my fiance, who had started dating me as a bisexual woman, would not be attracted to me any more. I broke up with him and entered into a very unstable, unhealthy relationship. I became so depressed and hopeless that I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for five days. When I got home, I knew I wasn't ready yet. Transitioning went on the back burner. I started dressing and presenting as a woman again.
In 2013 I met my husband, and it was with him that I felt like I could truly be myself for the first time in my life. I didn't have to hide or pretend to be someone I wasn't. Part of me was still scared to tell him, and I didn't reveal my trans status until a few months after we were married. He was a little shocked, but he told me that he had seen it coming. With his support, I came out publicly on Facebook and to my siblings. Our families still do not know. We have decided that, for now, it is best for them to keep seeing me as a woman.
At this point, I am not on hormone therapy. That's another obstacle I have to overcome. Trying to find a doctor who will treat a transgender patient is very difficult. Furthermore, as of this writing my medical insurance does not cover transgender services. In the future, I am hoping to get surgery to remove my breasts and get a more masculine contour. Again, this is going to be very expensive, not covered by insurance, and difficult to obtain.
I do not hide my past; I am not ashamed of it. I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to come out. The road ahead is long, but the future is bright. I can't wait until the world sees the man I have always been!
Matt
