So you have a friend who just came out of the closet. Or maybe you have a family member who is struggling with their transition and you aren't sure how to be supportive. I, a femme transman, have written this guide just for you. I will teach you how to not only be a good ally and friend, but also how to help the trans friends in your lives retain their human rights.
1) Start learning about what it means to be trans.
Many different gender identities fall under the transgender umbrella. Not only are there FTM (female to male) and MTF (male to female) , there are people who are gender non-conforming, agender, neutrois, genderfluid, genderqueer, and so on. Realize that all of these gender identities are valid. Also, gender identity is different than sexual preference. There are straight transwomen and gay transmen. You can find a great resource for learning about gender identities, sexual orientations, and queer community terms in general HERE.
2) Ask your loved one what their pronouns are and what they wish to be called.
Your sibling may have been named Alexander at birth but now wishes to be called Allanah and use she/her pronouns. Your new friend Darcy is genderfluid and uses they/them pronouns. Honor their request, and apologize if you get it wrong. Don't make a huge deal out of apologizing, either. Just quickly say sorry and move on. It's perfectly normal to make this mistake a few times, since you may have known this person a long time and gotten used to thinking of them a certain way. Over time, it will become second nature.
3) Never intentionally misgender someone.
Okay, you don't like Caitlin Jenner. I understand. She is extremely problematic and probably not the best representative of the transgender community. But do not call her a man or by her deadname if you choose to talk badly of her. This reinforces the notion that a person's identity can be taken away from them by a cisgender (as in: not trans) person at any second and your acceptance of transfolk is arbitrary. You may make your trans loved ones wonder if you would do the same to them if you were angry at them.
4) Do not "out" your trans loved one.
Hate crimes are huge problem in the United States (where I live); LGBT people are more likely than any other group to be targeted. So it stands to reason that "outing" your loved one is never a good idea. You do not know who they are out to, and they may actually be living stealth for safety reasons. When you're introducing them to others, just say something like, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Stephen. He's that awesome guitarist I was telling you about." Stephen may disclose his trans status if and when he feels like it, if he chooses to at all. Point being, it's his choice, not yours.
5) Don't ask invasive questions.
"What's your REAL name? Are you going to have 'the surgeries'? Do you have a penis or vagina? How do you have sex? Are you on hormones? What does your partner think?" These are all invasive questions. Trans people, like you, are entitled to their privacy. If you would not ask these of a cis person, then why would you do the same to someone who is trans? Curiosity is natural, but again, a trans person will tell you these things if and when they're comfortable. Or they may not.
6) Understand that the gender reassignment process is long, difficult, and expensive.
Gender reassignment may include hormones, name change, surgery, and psychotherapy. A trans person may undergo all, some or none of it. It depends on their financial/health insurance situation and their personal choice. As of this writing, most health insurance does not cover transgender services, and if it does, it only includes limited options. Many transgender people cannot afford to pay for surgery (which can cost tens of thousands of dollars). Even getting a name change can be costly depending on where you live. Transgender youth often live in homes that are unaccepting of their trans status so they have no access to services at all. Whatever is the case, respect your loved one's pronouns and gender identity.
7) Call out transphobia when you see or hear it.
Let your friends, family, coworkers know that it isn't OK to share transphobic jokes, memes, or banter. Don't just do this in the presence of your trans loved one, do it all the time. It can be a little daunting at first, but remember that you have privileges that your loved one does not. Use it. Not only will your loved one know they can trust you as a friend, you're making small steps towards normalizing transness. At the same time, do not share anti-trans stuff on your social media, even if just to denounce it. You're giving the people who create that media legitimacy and spreading ignorance, even if it's unintentional.
8) If your trans friend is scared to go to the bathroom by themselves, go with them.
With the passage of HB2 (also known as the "bathroom bill") in North Carolina and other states looking to do the same, it's understandable that a trans person may find a public restroom a scary place. Many transfolk do not "pass" for their gender identity so they could walk into a restroom and raise a few eyebrows... and possibly fists. Offer to go with them whenever possible. There is also a registry of "safe" restrooms on the REFUGE restrooms website found here. You can also add to the database to help other trans people find safe restrooms.
9) Know that transgender people have a high risk of suicide.
According to this USA Today article, 41% of transgender people attempt to commit suicide at least once in their lives, compared to 4.6% of the general public. As a population, we deal with discrimination, harassment, bullying, lack of acceptance, and violence. Many transgender people also have gender dysphoria, which means that they suffer extreme distress from their gender not matching their body parts. Dealing with all of this is tough, especially if you don't have much of a support system, and some people just cannot cope. If your loved one is showing signs of suicidal ideation, have them call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860. If the person severely distressed and has already taken steps to end their life (or you are reasonably sure they have done so) don't hesitate. Call 911, and follow these steps to make sure they get back to a safe state of mind.
10) Advocate for your trans loved ones any way you can.
Educate yourself on the issues that trans people are facing today. If you can, donate to charities that support transgender equality, such as The Trevor Project and The National Center for Transgender Equality. You can also post links educational and informative articles on your social media. Most importantly, make your voice heard in Washington by voting and encourage others to do the same. With LGBT rights under attack by politicians, this is one of the best ways to support trans loved ones, by making sure their rights are protected by law.
---M. Dos Santos
