Author's Note: The scenario mentioned in this article pertains to a relationship I was in quite some time ago. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy.
I had been dating Danny for a few months. We had met in a training class for work and the chemistry between us had been instant. He was witty, charming, fun to be around and sexy as hell with his dark looks and amber eyes. Obviously, at our ages, I didn't kid myself that I was going to be his "first" at many things. We both had our fair share of exes; I had an ex-husband and he had a baby mama. Naturally, I was curious about his most recent ex, a girl named Lola. I wanted to know what attracted him to her, their story, why they broke up, etc. I saw that he was still friends with her on Facebook, so I started scrolling through her profile.
I quickly fell down the rabbit hole of the Danny and Lola Story. I found out that they'd started out as a long-distance relationship that quickly became serious. She was enamoured with him and it borderlined on obsession. She constantly tagged him in memes and videos, even posting a comic that alluded to the size of his junk (it was then that I felt the first stab of jealousy, hating that another woman knew my man as intimately as I). I saw that they moved in together, and soon after this he proposed. Seeing Lola's expression, shock morphed into elation, as he proposed to her on one knee surrounded by cheering friends made me feel sad. I knew Danny and I had not been together long, but he'd pooh-poohed the idea of marriage when I asked him about it, saying that he didn't see why it was necessary. But he clearly didn't think it was unecessary with her.
After awhile the posts mentioning him stopped, and her posts became more sparse; I'm guessing she changed her privacy settings sometime after the breakup. My curiosity about Lola was still not sated so I started peppering him with questions about her. She'd become jealous and possessive, he said. She wanted him to choose between him and his daughter and, like any good father, he refused. So she'd broken up with him. The last time they'd talked it had ended up with her screaming abuse at him over the phone. I asked him if he wanted to know anything about my exes. He said no. "It's all in the past right? They're them and I'm me."
For awhile he humored me when I asked about her, but after awhile he started getting annoyed. "I'm with you now. And I care about you. Please stop thinking about her so much. I know I don't." I wanted to believe him. But then I noticed he still hadn't changed his relationship status on his social media and he still had many pictures of him and Lola together. We had exactly one picture of us, and in my opinion it wasn't even a good one. I started feeling insecure. Maybe he still had feelings for her, I thought. She had a lot more in common with him than I did. They also had mutual friends and his friends and family still barely knew I existed.
So I started competing with Lola. I'd be prettier, more fun to be around, and I wouldn't fail him like she did. When he couldn't go on dates or hang out because he had his daughter, I was understanding instead of being jealous. I knew she liked anime, and even though I'd left my fangirl days behind in my teens, I cultivated an interest in it so we could have more in common. I kept a hawk-eyed watch on his social media, checking to see if she'd like or comment on any of his posts, or if he'd comment on anything of hers. It became an exhausting, full-time job that I quickly started to resent. He noticed a change in me too, but I waved it off every time he brought it up.
Before I knew it, I realised that the way I was acting was killing my relationship. How could we possibly have any kind of future together if I was so stuck on his past? Why couldn't I believe him when he said he was over her and I was the one he wanted? In my insecurity and paranoia, I had also neglected to factor in the the way people curate their online presence to look perfect. As an outsider, I'd only seen their Danny and Lola's gushy FB posts and I'd made my own judgment on what had ended their relationship. I couldn't possibly know everything that had ever happened between them, nor was it my business. Also, his experiences with her had not only helped shape him into the wonderful man I knew now, he also learned a lot about what he didn't want in a relationship. I wasn't getting any profound wisdom or insight from all my stalking-- all I was doing was making myself feel bad, lowering my self-esteem and pushing my boyfriend away.
In the end, I blocked her profile and I have resisted the urge to stalk her again. Things between Danny and I have only improved from there. Without Lola's ghost looming over us, I've been able to focus more on enjoying being with him, treasuring every moment we get to spend together. It has crossed my mind that one day we may break up, I will become another Ex, and some poor girl may start stalking me on Facebook to find out that same things I wanted to know about Lola. I hope she doesn't make the same mistakes I did and idealise me. I'm far from perfect, and he broke up with me for a reason-- but treat him well, Future Girlfriend, he deserves it.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Monday, March 6, 2017
How to Support Your Transgender Friend or Family Member
So you have a friend who just came out of the closet. Or maybe you have a family member who is struggling with their transition and you aren't sure how to be supportive. I, a femme transman, have written this guide just for you. I will teach you how to not only be a good ally and friend, but also how to help the trans friends in your lives retain their human rights.
1) Start learning about what it means to be trans.
Many different gender identities fall under the transgender umbrella. Not only are there FTM (female to male) and MTF (male to female) , there are people who are gender non-conforming, agender, neutrois, genderfluid, genderqueer, and so on. Realize that all of these gender identities are valid. Also, gender identity is different than sexual preference. There are straight transwomen and gay transmen. You can find a great resource for learning about gender identities, sexual orientations, and queer community terms in general HERE.
2) Ask your loved one what their pronouns are and what they wish to be called.
Your sibling may have been named Alexander at birth but now wishes to be called Allanah and use she/her pronouns. Your new friend Darcy is genderfluid and uses they/them pronouns. Honor their request, and apologize if you get it wrong. Don't make a huge deal out of apologizing, either. Just quickly say sorry and move on. It's perfectly normal to make this mistake a few times, since you may have known this person a long time and gotten used to thinking of them a certain way. Over time, it will become second nature.
3) Never intentionally misgender someone.
Okay, you don't like Caitlin Jenner. I understand. She is extremely problematic and probably not the best representative of the transgender community. But do not call her a man or by her deadname if you choose to talk badly of her. This reinforces the notion that a person's identity can be taken away from them by a cisgender (as in: not trans) person at any second and your acceptance of transfolk is arbitrary. You may make your trans loved ones wonder if you would do the same to them if you were angry at them.
4) Do not "out" your trans loved one.
Hate crimes are huge problem in the United States (where I live); LGBT people are more likely than any other group to be targeted. So it stands to reason that "outing" your loved one is never a good idea. You do not know who they are out to, and they may actually be living stealth for safety reasons. When you're introducing them to others, just say something like, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Stephen. He's that awesome guitarist I was telling you about." Stephen may disclose his trans status if and when he feels like it, if he chooses to at all. Point being, it's his choice, not yours.
5) Don't ask invasive questions.
"What's your REAL name? Are you going to have 'the surgeries'? Do you have a penis or vagina? How do you have sex? Are you on hormones? What does your partner think?" These are all invasive questions. Trans people, like you, are entitled to their privacy. If you would not ask these of a cis person, then why would you do the same to someone who is trans? Curiosity is natural, but again, a trans person will tell you these things if and when they're comfortable. Or they may not.
6) Understand that the gender reassignment process is long, difficult, and expensive.
Gender reassignment may include hormones, name change, surgery, and psychotherapy. A trans person may undergo all, some or none of it. It depends on their financial/health insurance situation and their personal choice. As of this writing, most health insurance does not cover transgender services, and if it does, it only includes limited options. Many transgender people cannot afford to pay for surgery (which can cost tens of thousands of dollars). Even getting a name change can be costly depending on where you live. Transgender youth often live in homes that are unaccepting of their trans status so they have no access to services at all. Whatever is the case, respect your loved one's pronouns and gender identity.
7) Call out transphobia when you see or hear it.
Let your friends, family, coworkers know that it isn't OK to share transphobic jokes, memes, or banter. Don't just do this in the presence of your trans loved one, do it all the time. It can be a little daunting at first, but remember that you have privileges that your loved one does not. Use it. Not only will your loved one know they can trust you as a friend, you're making small steps towards normalizing transness. At the same time, do not share anti-trans stuff on your social media, even if just to denounce it. You're giving the people who create that media legitimacy and spreading ignorance, even if it's unintentional.
8) If your trans friend is scared to go to the bathroom by themselves, go with them.
With the passage of HB2 (also known as the "bathroom bill") in North Carolina and other states looking to do the same, it's understandable that a trans person may find a public restroom a scary place. Many transfolk do not "pass" for their gender identity so they could walk into a restroom and raise a few eyebrows... and possibly fists. Offer to go with them whenever possible. There is also a registry of "safe" restrooms on the REFUGE restrooms website found here. You can also add to the database to help other trans people find safe restrooms.
9) Know that transgender people have a high risk of suicide.
According to this USA Today article, 41% of transgender people attempt to commit suicide at least once in their lives, compared to 4.6% of the general public. As a population, we deal with discrimination, harassment, bullying, lack of acceptance, and violence. Many transgender people also have gender dysphoria, which means that they suffer extreme distress from their gender not matching their body parts. Dealing with all of this is tough, especially if you don't have much of a support system, and some people just cannot cope. If your loved one is showing signs of suicidal ideation, have them call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860. If the person severely distressed and has already taken steps to end their life (or you are reasonably sure they have done so) don't hesitate. Call 911, and follow these steps to make sure they get back to a safe state of mind.
10) Advocate for your trans loved ones any way you can.
Educate yourself on the issues that trans people are facing today. If you can, donate to charities that support transgender equality, such as The Trevor Project and The National Center for Transgender Equality. You can also post links educational and informative articles on your social media. Most importantly, make your voice heard in Washington by voting and encourage others to do the same. With LGBT rights under attack by politicians, this is one of the best ways to support trans loved ones, by making sure their rights are protected by law.
---M. Dos Santos
1) Start learning about what it means to be trans.
Many different gender identities fall under the transgender umbrella. Not only are there FTM (female to male) and MTF (male to female) , there are people who are gender non-conforming, agender, neutrois, genderfluid, genderqueer, and so on. Realize that all of these gender identities are valid. Also, gender identity is different than sexual preference. There are straight transwomen and gay transmen. You can find a great resource for learning about gender identities, sexual orientations, and queer community terms in general HERE.
2) Ask your loved one what their pronouns are and what they wish to be called.
Your sibling may have been named Alexander at birth but now wishes to be called Allanah and use she/her pronouns. Your new friend Darcy is genderfluid and uses they/them pronouns. Honor their request, and apologize if you get it wrong. Don't make a huge deal out of apologizing, either. Just quickly say sorry and move on. It's perfectly normal to make this mistake a few times, since you may have known this person a long time and gotten used to thinking of them a certain way. Over time, it will become second nature.
3) Never intentionally misgender someone.
Okay, you don't like Caitlin Jenner. I understand. She is extremely problematic and probably not the best representative of the transgender community. But do not call her a man or by her deadname if you choose to talk badly of her. This reinforces the notion that a person's identity can be taken away from them by a cisgender (as in: not trans) person at any second and your acceptance of transfolk is arbitrary. You may make your trans loved ones wonder if you would do the same to them if you were angry at them.
4) Do not "out" your trans loved one.
Hate crimes are huge problem in the United States (where I live); LGBT people are more likely than any other group to be targeted. So it stands to reason that "outing" your loved one is never a good idea. You do not know who they are out to, and they may actually be living stealth for safety reasons. When you're introducing them to others, just say something like, "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Stephen. He's that awesome guitarist I was telling you about." Stephen may disclose his trans status if and when he feels like it, if he chooses to at all. Point being, it's his choice, not yours.
5) Don't ask invasive questions.
"What's your REAL name? Are you going to have 'the surgeries'? Do you have a penis or vagina? How do you have sex? Are you on hormones? What does your partner think?" These are all invasive questions. Trans people, like you, are entitled to their privacy. If you would not ask these of a cis person, then why would you do the same to someone who is trans? Curiosity is natural, but again, a trans person will tell you these things if and when they're comfortable. Or they may not.
6) Understand that the gender reassignment process is long, difficult, and expensive.
Gender reassignment may include hormones, name change, surgery, and psychotherapy. A trans person may undergo all, some or none of it. It depends on their financial/health insurance situation and their personal choice. As of this writing, most health insurance does not cover transgender services, and if it does, it only includes limited options. Many transgender people cannot afford to pay for surgery (which can cost tens of thousands of dollars). Even getting a name change can be costly depending on where you live. Transgender youth often live in homes that are unaccepting of their trans status so they have no access to services at all. Whatever is the case, respect your loved one's pronouns and gender identity.
7) Call out transphobia when you see or hear it.
Let your friends, family, coworkers know that it isn't OK to share transphobic jokes, memes, or banter. Don't just do this in the presence of your trans loved one, do it all the time. It can be a little daunting at first, but remember that you have privileges that your loved one does not. Use it. Not only will your loved one know they can trust you as a friend, you're making small steps towards normalizing transness. At the same time, do not share anti-trans stuff on your social media, even if just to denounce it. You're giving the people who create that media legitimacy and spreading ignorance, even if it's unintentional.
8) If your trans friend is scared to go to the bathroom by themselves, go with them.
With the passage of HB2 (also known as the "bathroom bill") in North Carolina and other states looking to do the same, it's understandable that a trans person may find a public restroom a scary place. Many transfolk do not "pass" for their gender identity so they could walk into a restroom and raise a few eyebrows... and possibly fists. Offer to go with them whenever possible. There is also a registry of "safe" restrooms on the REFUGE restrooms website found here. You can also add to the database to help other trans people find safe restrooms.
9) Know that transgender people have a high risk of suicide.
According to this USA Today article, 41% of transgender people attempt to commit suicide at least once in their lives, compared to 4.6% of the general public. As a population, we deal with discrimination, harassment, bullying, lack of acceptance, and violence. Many transgender people also have gender dysphoria, which means that they suffer extreme distress from their gender not matching their body parts. Dealing with all of this is tough, especially if you don't have much of a support system, and some people just cannot cope. If your loved one is showing signs of suicidal ideation, have them call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860. If the person severely distressed and has already taken steps to end their life (or you are reasonably sure they have done so) don't hesitate. Call 911, and follow these steps to make sure they get back to a safe state of mind.
10) Advocate for your trans loved ones any way you can.
Educate yourself on the issues that trans people are facing today. If you can, donate to charities that support transgender equality, such as The Trevor Project and The National Center for Transgender Equality. You can also post links educational and informative articles on your social media. Most importantly, make your voice heard in Washington by voting and encourage others to do the same. With LGBT rights under attack by politicians, this is one of the best ways to support trans loved ones, by making sure their rights are protected by law.
---M. Dos Santos
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)