I'm impulsive, insecure, and paranoid. My views of people can shift rather rapidly. Someone who once elicited high praise from me at one point may be looked down upon fairly quickly. At 26 I've already had three broken engagements and one failed marriage. I fear being alone or abandoned, but at the same time I push people away because I am afraid they'll get too close. I have many acquaintances, but very few real friends. Some days I cry myself to sleep because I can't shake the thought that everyone secretly hates me.
I realise I must sound like a complete head case. But for me and the other 1.4 percent of America suffering from borderline personality disorder, this is normal. When people meet me for the first time, they usually see a fun, talkative, cheerful girl. I'm the one taking up the whole dance floor at the club. I'm the one who always seems to be making jokes. I love animals; I'm the proud owner of four hermit crabs. I love makeup and fashion, so I'm always experimenting with new looks (I have dyed my hair almost every colour imaginable). On the outside, I'm a completely average person.
But look closer, and you'll see that things are not what they seem.
One of the major components of BPD is the constant identity crisis. I am of Mexican and Spanish ancestry, and ever since I was a child I've known that I am a minority in America. I always had difficulty fitting in. The other Hispanic children wouldn't have me because I was "whitewashed"-- I didn't speak Spanish, and I was "too smart". The white kids grudgingly accepted me, but I knew I was different and it bothered me. I was harassed, bullied and beat up a lot as a child. As I grew up and started exploring my talents (writing and singing being the big ones) I made more friends, but no matter which group I was a part of, I always felt like an outsider. To this day I feel alone even when amongst people whom I know care about and like me.
Another major part of my daily existence: impulsiveness. For me it has manifested as binge eating and alcohol drinking, yo-yo dieting, chain smoking, promiscuity, and debt because I have poor money management skills. All of these are issues I have had on and off since I was about 16 or so. One of the reasons people with BPD tend to be so impulsive is because we never learned how to harness our emotions. I am prone to fits of rage, sometimes for no reason, and I lash out and break things or hurt people. I also deal with chronic feelings of emptiness; in the past self-destructive behaviours served to fill the void. I tend to feel and perceive everything in extremes. I have difficulty trusting anyone and if I dislike someone, that dislike is usually permanent.
As stated above, my personality has caused me to lose lots of friends over the years, and I have had a series of intense, often short-lived romantic relationships. I have been called a drama queen and an attention whore more times than I can count. Some people have difficulty seeing me as a person with an illness. I have been on medication to help ease the other symptoms of this disease (clinical depression and panic attacks). I think I'm no different than any other person with a chronic illness, yet I have had significant othersd break up with me because of it, and I have estranged much of my family at times. It really bothers me when people don't understand and worse, they don't want to.
According to research, the symptoms of BPD tend to wane with advancing age, so there is hope. I try my best to live life with purpose so I don't feel so empty, bored and restless all the time. Every day is a process and a struggle. I hope one day I can find someone who will understand my illness, be prepared to deal with it and help me through it. My illness defines a lot of my behaviour, but every day I'm making progress. It's going to be a long and hard road to getting better... In the end though, it will be worth it!
For more on borderline personality disorder, visit: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/
Peace,
M.
