People with Borderline Personality disorder rarely have stable relationships. They are often laden with conflict, intense, and short-lived. Familial relationships are often strained as well, because family members have a difficult time coping with their loved one's erratic behaviour. Many people with BPD struggle with addiction and this can be a burden on their families and friends as well. If you have a friend or relative who has BPD, you need to understand that their minds do not work like a "normal" person's does. Read on to find some simple strategies that will help you cope with their behaviour, ease conflict, and strengthen your relationship.
Recognise that Borderline behaviour is not deliberate.
It can be very hard not to take some of the things a person with borderline does personally. They may snap at you for seemingly nothing at all, get angry over silly things and hate you for breaking a promise. While this can be distressing, realise that a your loved one is not doing it on purpose. They simply don't know any other way to think and have difficulty controlling their emtotions.
Learn to communicate in a way that your loved one will not find offensive.
People with BPD often have a short fuse. Saying the wrong thing can cause extreme anger and the borderline person will often stew over what someone has said to them. This is because BPDs tend to feel negative emotions an average of 20% longer than someone who doesn't have BPD. Find a neutral setting (like a coffee shop, for instance) and ask your loved one about the specific words or actions that upset them. Let him know that you care for him and his feelings matter. Be patient, as he may be skeptical and may not open up right away.
Help him boost his self-esteem.
BPDs tend to have very low self-esteem and are their own biggest critics. They may feel worthless, like their accomplishments don't matter, and beat themselves up when they feel like they have failed. Pay attention to your loved one's achievements and praise them. (e.g., "You've been sober for 30 days? That's wonderful! I knew you could do it.") His first response may be to demur and downplay his accomplishment because praise often makes BPDs uncomfortable. If this is the case, immediately restate your appreciation but back off if your loved one gets frustrated.
Understand that you need to regulate your own emotions as well.
It can be very difficult for someone to watch a loved one suffer and be unable to control their behaviour. It is also difficult to deal with the aftermath of their impulsive or risky behaviours, such as picking them up from jail, getting a call from the hospital because he has overdosed, and so on. Many family and friends of BPDs become fearful, guilty, judgemental and desperate. If you find yourself feeling this way, seek help from a counselor. If you can regulate your own emotions, you are better equipped to help your loved one deal with theirs.
Recognise suicidal behaviour, but do NOT enforce it!
At one point or another, you are most likely going to deal with a suicide attempt or suicide threat from your loved on. If he starts displaying suicidal behaviour, try your best to handle it in that moment. Ask him about his emotions and validate (don't contradict) them. Don't bring up past issues, focus on the getting him through the crisis. It is also imperative that you do not give your loved one special treatment only when they threaten suicide, because you may inadvertently be reinforcing the behaviour. He may start acting suicidal to elicit attention when he feels he cannot get it any other way.
Encourage him to get professional help.
While BPD does tend to improve when a person reaches their thirties and forties, long-term therapy may help curb impulsive behaviours and teach new ways of thinking. Try to find a therapist in your area who is experienced in cognitive behavioural therapy. This can be expensive and may not be covered by insurance, so if money is an issue, look into clinics that offer sliding scales for fees. Your loved one will most likely refuse help and if this is the case, do not force the issue. Instead, seek help yourself and support your loved one as best as you can.
Have a safety plan handy in case of emergency.
This should include a list of phone numbers to call or places to visit in case of a crisis. Include suicide prevention hotline numbers, emergency services, close friends, and family members. Make sure that there is someone available every hour of every day. Also important to note are positive coping techniques (such as listening to music, meditating or taking a walk) that the person can use to re-focus their mind. List warning signs and things that may trigger a crisis on the plan. For people who have anxiety or panic disorders it is also important to have some instructions included, such as "Take your Klonopin on the way to the ER". Remind your loved one to keep the plan with them at all times where they can easily get to it, such as in a wallet.
--Matti Dos Santos
For a look into the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, check out the following video:
