Chances are, you're already on the path to becoming a mindless drone, but by reading this blog, you've become aware that you aren't doing nearly enough. Well, I'm going to show you exactly how you can live a purposeless, meaningless, consumerism-driven life. It's not as hard as you think. Trust me.
Get a job you absolutely hate (but pays really well).
I want you to think really long and hard about what you wanted to be when you were a child. Did you want to be an astronaut? A firefighter? A farmer? A fairy princess? Grand High Pooh-Bah of the Starflowers and Unicorns? Wrong, it was always your dream to become Senior Vice Executive Assistant to the Manager of Finance. It must have been, because that is what you wasted your four years in college (no wait, two in community college to save money) studying to be. You wanted to get a real job because your well-meaning parents told you that your dream of being a music producer was impractical, or your high-school sweetheart said you'd never make it as an artist. Success is measured in the amount of zeroes in your salary. That being said, now that you make a lot of money, it's time to
Spend, spend, spend on stuff you don't need.
So, it's Black Friday-- That wonderful day after Thanksgiving where, after sleeping off your turkey coma, you can go to just about any big-box store and stand in horrendously long lines whilst you wait to get the best deals on useless crap you'll throw out in six months. That huge big-screen TV that says "I'm cool because my TV is as wide as I am tall?" Thanks to the wonders of planned obsolescence, it is flimsy and made to break after a couple of years, thus requiring you to purchase a new one. But who cares? Status is the name of the game. Go to as many tag sales, door-busters, and grand openings as you can. Accumulate stacks of merchandise that will rival any hoarder's. You'll find a use for those twenty cosmetic bags... Eventually. You've spent a lot of money so step two is:
Get yourself in a mountain of debt.
Well, say you don't have enough money for all the stuff you want, thanks to all those student loans from college to get you the education for the job you hate. You've had your eye on that expensive, fancy smartphone from Best Buy for weeks now, but its $250 dollars, not to mention the two-year contract. No problem! That's where credit cards come in. Credit cards make it easier for you to buy now and pay later. Sure, you'll have to pay for it SOMEDAY, but for now, you get the instant gratification of being the envy of your friends. You can do the same thing with that fancy car you want. Lots of car places will give you a loan so you can have it now and pay it off for the next six years. Oh, and that big house you want? Get a mortgage! You'll be paying it for twenty-five or thirty years, but that's okay. At least you have lots of space to put your useless stuff.
Have no idea what's going on in the world.
This is probably the most important rule of becoming a slave to the system. If you know too much of what's going on in the world, you might suddenly start caring and doing things to change them. Corporations are counting on you to keep buying, Hollywood is counting on you to see their latest mind-numbing blockbuster, and television channels would rather you watch their latest Kardashian special rather than the news. If it doesn't affect you, it doesn't matter. Never mind that your trendy Hollister shirt was made by a ten-year-old working in squalid conditions. Never mind that we always seem to be at war with someone. The less you know, the happier you'll be.
Have no idea what's in your food, either.
Eat whatever the fuck you want. Life's short and we're all gonna die anyway, so why not have that Triple Whopper with cheese? And who cares about all the poison that's in processed food. If it tastes good, eat it. With medical technology advancing so much, they can fix just about anything that happens to you with pills or surgery. There's no need to torture yourself by living off bland rabbit food. But what if that excellent job you have doesn't give you health insurance? Well, that's just more debt you can add to your credit cards, car payment, house payment, and costly data plan.
Get married and have kids.
This is what society expects you to do, that way you'll always be slaving. Kids are also mini-consumers and have lots of disposable income (yours). Teach them that they need things to be happy, and shower them with fancy electronics so they can keep themselves out of your way so you can catch up on online shopping or the soap operas you have on the TiVo.
And there you have it folks. Now get crackin'! There's a sale at KMart you're missing.
M.
