An Open Letter to Someone Whose Heart I've Broken

When I first met you, I was thirteen years old. Awkward, short, chubby with bad teeth and no fashion sense to speak of. No one would have called me pretty. You were fifteen and amazing. You were tall, with almond shaped brown eyes, and a mop of black hair, and a mouth full of the craziest braces I'd ever seen. You were the first person who ever gave me butterflies in my stomach; I bet you didn't know that, did you? Well, even after all these years, when I think back these days... I feel bittersweet nostalgia.
You were best friends with my best friend's boyfriend. Therefore you were always in the background. Those two would be acting lovey-dovey and we'd be standing around awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say. I wanted very badly for you to be my boyfriend. But of course, I had no idea how to tell you how I felt. I thought about writing a letter. I thought about telling Danielle to talk to you for me. In the end, I ended up resorting to something only a 90s creeper would do: I looked up your phone number in the phone book. There weren't many people with your last name, and it didn't take me long to get to you.
You actually seemed pleasantly surprised to hear from me. For over an hour we talked about silly, mundane things; and yet, I could not bring myself to tell you those magic words. Fear won in the end. When we hung up, my initial elation turned into misery. I had failed. I was not allowed to be talking on the phone with boys and I was punished severely. But it was worth it, just to hear your voice and your laughter.
Our friends eventually broke up, and we never hung out anymore. You went on to high school and I went on to eighth grade. Of course I had other loves over the years, but every now and then I would find myself thinking about you and wondering what happened to you. Did you go to college? Did you get married? What were you doing for a living? Where did you live now? For some reason I couldn't get you out of my head.
Then, in June 2011, I found you on Facebook. Oh man, I thought to myself. The years have only made him more handsome. Your adolescent brown mop had become something wild, and untamed. A beautiful halo framing your exotic features. I wondered if you would even remember me. I sent you a friend request anyway. It was over a year before you accepted it.
You didn't remember me at first, because I had changed my name and I looked nothing like the person you knew before. On June 22nd, 2012, you asked me out on a date. 13 years later... and I finally had a date with you. I was ecstatic. You showed up at my door with a shy smile and a dozen red roses. All these old feelings came rushing back. Destiny had brought you back into my life for a reason, I told myself. I vowed to hang onto you as long as I could.
Soon enough we became lovers. And that's when things started to change. I had not seen you in over a decade and I didn't know your story. How was I to know you had inner demons you were still fighting, and you had known so much despair and pain? How were you to know that three broken engagements and one failed marriage had given me more trust issues than most people could be reasonably expected to handle? We were both very messed-up, lonely people, clinging to each other. I thought I could just put a Band-Aid on my wounds and forget it; but I didn't realize just how deeply I'd been cut. For being with you shook me to my very core, and I became terrified that you would leave. The harder I clung to you, the more you pushed me away. We were locked in a battle of wills.
You told me you would never say "I love you" because you didn't believe in love. That was what hurt the most I think.  I wanted to give you my heart, but you wouldn't let me. I became angry and resentful. I held it in because I didn't want to start any more fights.
The end came in mid-August. You were tired of my nonsense and I was tired of you not feeling the way I wanted you to feel about me. It was ugly, it was long, and I cried for days. I would spend nights staring at the ceiling, wishing I would just fall asleep and not wake up. My junior-high fantasy didn't come true. Instead, it became a nightmare, an emotional train wreck. The worst part about it all was that I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I decided to enter one anyway, all for the sake of a happy ending for my puerile fairy tale.  There was only one way our story could end,  and that was not well.
I wish I could tell you how sorry I truly am. I wish you could know how much I regret trying to make you into something you're not. I wish you could be happy with me, but I know that's an impossibility because you will always have those walls built up. I want to hand you my heart on a silver platter but I know you will just turn your face away.  So I guess, in the end, all I can say is this...
I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please don't hate me.

Matti's Slow-Cooker Seitan Roast Recipe-- So Good You'll Want to Slap Yo Momma!

Imagine the taste of tender, flavourful, succulent roast. Remember that? Amazing, isn't it? Just because you're vegan, that doesn't mean you have to give up eating your Sunday roast. You just have to make it animal-free. Seitan, aka "that amazingly versatile stuff made with vital wheat gluten" can be very tricky for the newbie vegan. Don't fret! This simple, no-fuss recipe will be sure to please everyone (yes, even the die-hard carnivores).

Note: You can seriously throw in whatever you have on hand when you make seitan. Mix it up a bit!

For the Seitan:

2 1/2 cups vital wheat gluten

For the stock:

2 cups of water
1/3 cup steak marinade (I like Lawry's)
1/3 cup barbecue sauce ( I use Emeril's Sweet Molasses)
1/3 cup Bragg's Liquid Aminos
3 vegan beef-flavoured stock cubes (try Edward&Sons)
1 tbs Marmite or any other yeast extract
2 tsp liquid smoke, preferably mesquite flavoured
2 tsp crushed garlic
1 1/2 tsp onion powder
2 tsp Mrs Dash or Spike Seasoning

Kicked up version (thank you Emeril)

Sub spicy barbecue sauce
Instead of Mrs Dash and onion powder, substitute cayenne pepper and chili powder


Now let's put it all together!

1) Mix all stock ingredients in a large bowl.  Divide stock in half. Mix one half of the stock with the gluten, making sure all ingredients are well combined. Use your hands and knead for 5-10 minutes. (If you have a stand mixer, the bread hook will do all the work for you!)

2) Place the seitan into the slow-cooker and cover with remaining stock. Add a little more water if necessary. Let it cook on high for 3-4 hours (depending on how tender you want it).

That's it. Seriously. When it's done, you can carve it up and serve with whatever sides you desire. I like to top mine with steak sauce and eat it with salad and French fries.

Bon appetit! *burp*

Haibun (Japanese Poetry)

Haibun is a form of Japanese poetry that was popularised in the 17th century by poet Matsuo Bosho. it combines a prose poem and a haiku, which communicate with each other either subtly or directly. 3rd person objective  is used in the prose, while the haiku follows the traditional 5-7-5 rule. 

The First Time

She had waited so long for this moment. The timing was perfect. He was perfect. Conversation, which before had been so shy and awkward, came to a standstill. The long night stretched before them as they dove into each other face first.

fear morphs into joy
unexplored terrain conquered
infinite rapture

Vegan On a Budget

Who isn't on a budget these days? Unless your last name is Trump, you're probably one of the many people who has to plan out where each of their hard earned dollars goes. In the short time I've been on a plant-based lifestyle, I've been told, "Oh, Matti, I'd love to go vegan-- but it's just too expensive. We're on a tight budget and we simply can't afford it." Now, I could preach all damn day about how expensive medications like Lipitor, Cymbalta, and Viagra are-- they can cost several hundred dollars a month. I could go on and on about about how expensive open heart surgery is. (I hope you have about 60 grand laying around.) However, truth is, most people do not think in the long term. They want to know how to save money NOW. So here they are:  my best tips for living vegan on the cheap!

First of all, you need to recognise that certain things are going to cost you.  Vegan cheese, faux meat, vegan baked goods-- these are considered luxury items. There are some vegans who can afford to eat these kind of things almost daily. (Alas, I am a poor college student. ) If you are cash conscious like me, you must learn to limit these to an occasional treat. For a newbie vegan this may be a bit tough, but I assure you it's worth it. Rice, beans, and tofu are very cheap, nutritious and filling; they can be prepared a variety of ways. When grocery shopping, check out the bulk section of your grocery store. You can often find great deals on vegan staples! Not to mention, dry bulk items keep for a very long time. If you cannot afford to have fresh produce all the time, stock up on frozen. Stay away from canned produce as much as possible, as nutrients are often lost in the canning process.

Invest in a rice cooker or a slow cooker. You can use these to make large batches of cheap vegan meals! One idea is filling the steamer basket of a rice cooker with tofu and vegetables, cooking it alongside the rice. You can use the slow cooker to make vegan chili or stew. The wonderful thing about these appliances is that since it takes some time to cook the food, you can literally ignore them for hours while you get important things done. Of course, though they'll save you money in the long run, rice cookers can be very pricey upfront. Check out local secondhand shops. I found a rice cooker at Goodwill for $5.99.

Sometimes, in our efforts "to keep up with the Joneses". we take on more financially than we can realistically handle. We may have expensive cable or satellite TV, we may go out to eat too often, or we may buy impulsively buy stuff we can live without. Does this sound like you? If so, consider moving towards a minimal lifestyle. (I've got a great beginner's guide on minimalist living right here). You'll not only de-clutter your life, you'll save money, and be able to afford the crazy 15 dollar shipping fee for St Martaen's vegan cheese. Kidding, but the possibility is there.

Health food store prices got ya down? Check out your local ethnic markets! Many Asian and Indian markets are chock full of vegan options. I live in a rural farm town where you can expect to pay about $8 for a pack of vegan hot dogs. However, I can vegan ramen, tofu, hard-to-find spices, and so on for cheap at my local Asian market. Why, I once found a quart of the tastiest coconut milk ice cream for just $4. If you're not sure about an ingredient on the package, just ask one of the staff. I have found that most folks at ethnic markets know what "vegan" is and can tell you whether an ingredient is suitable or not.

 Now that you have the general idea of how easy it is to be vegan on the cheap, check out the following websites for some easy meal ideas:

http://www.tryveg.com/cfi/toc/?v=07budget

http://photos.happyherbivore.com/pdf/7-Day-Meal-Plans-Sample_Day.pdf

http://www.cheapandsimpleveganrecipes.com/how-to-be-vegan-on-the-cheap/

Being poor is no excuse not to be vegan. Now you know. Get cooking!

M/

The Dark Side of Fatherhood

"I stay late at work just to postpone coming home to a screeching wife and kid. I don't know which one is worse. I have no freedom. I can't go back to college. I can't travel. I feel as though I'm wearing a ball and chain. If I had one wish, it would be to go back and get a vasectomy before I met my wife."

So reads on of the many entries on the now defunct website, "True Dad Confessions". For some people, this may not be too shocking.  We hear about deadbeat dads all the time. However, many of the guys on the website were not deadbeats in any way. They're your average married Joes, doing exactly what society expects of them. They're fulfilling their obligations to carry on the family name, give their parents grandchildren, and hopefully raising productive citizens.

And not surprisingly, many of them HATE it.

They hate the drudgery, the hum-drum mediocrity of day to day living, sharing space with small people who sometimes can't do much but cry and soil their diapers. A lot of men don't even LIKE children, or even want them.Proclaims a good friend, "Babies are disgusting! I'll never have any of of those." And another man on "Confessions" echoes this sentiment:

"Babies are flat-out boring. Maybe when it's old enough to have some kind of a personality, I will love it. But now? Eh. All it does is lie there, shit its pants, cry, eat and sleep."

Another dreaded thing for men is the way their wives change when Baby makes three. Sometime the fun-loving free-spirit they married because a neurotic mess. She transforms into a woman who suddenly cares about Mommy and Me yoga, Blue's Clues, Kindermusik and to breastfeed or not to breastfeed.  She becomes so enthralled with motherhood that anything that isn't child-shaped suddenly doesn't matter, and her husband treated like the hired help.Guys will do anything to make their wife happy, even if it makes them unhappy in the process. After all, love involves sacrifice and compromise... right?

Men are in a pretty awkward position in this regard. While he can choose to wear a condom (or not) ultimately he is not the one who carries the baby, and he has little say in what the woman chooses to do with her body. He is often forced to go with whatever his wife decides. He may feel like he was "tricked" into parenthood and feel resentful, maybe even bitter. Such as this fellow:

"I wish I'd never let her talk me into having kids. I didn't want them. And now that we do, we can't go back to the way things were. Things were perfect before. Don't get me wrong, I do love them and would do anything for them. It's just life was so much better before. We're living paycheck to paycheck because she quit work to be a stay at home mom and we never get to do anything fun. It's just kids, kids, kids. I'd switch places with my childless buddies any day."

You may wonder, if so many men hate fatherhood so much, why do they do it? Why even bother? The answer's easy. They feel like they don't have a choice! Turn on the television or watch a movie sometime. How many long-term, happy single men do you see? Probably few, if any. Unmarried men are seen as lazy, immature, irresponsible and selfish. Guys have it drilled into them their whole lives that in order to be a grown up, they must marry and have kids. They're never even told that there's an option to stay single (or if they do choose to marry, not have children). Once a man realises what he's gotten himself into, it's too late. He can't just leave his wife and children or he'll look like a deadbeat, It's a vicious circle.

True Dad Confessions ia archived, and the posts I've included here are a small sampling. I hope that men who are on the fence would take a look and see what some other dads have to say. Men should realise that there is a choice and they don't have to live their lives being dictated by societal norms. Travel, get a hobby, learn a language, do something with your life! Let these confessions be a reminder that parenthood isn't for everyone.

How To Deal With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

People with Borderline Personality disorder rarely have stable relationships. They are often laden with conflict, intense, and short-lived. Familial relationships are often strained as well, because family members have a difficult time coping with their loved one's erratic behaviour. Many people with BPD struggle with addiction and this can be a burden on their families and friends as well. If you have a friend or relative who has BPD, you need to understand that their minds do not work like a "normal" person's does. Read on to find some simple strategies that will  help you cope with their behaviour, ease conflict, and strengthen your relationship.

 Recognise that Borderline behaviour is not deliberate. 

It can be very hard not to take some of the things a person with borderline does personally. They may snap at you for seemingly nothing at all, get angry over silly things and hate you for breaking a promise. While this can be distressing, realise that a your loved one is not doing it on purpose. They simply don't know any other way to think and have difficulty controlling their emtotions.

Learn to communicate in a way that your loved one will not find offensive.

People with BPD often have a short fuse. Saying the wrong thing can cause extreme anger and the borderline person will often stew over what someone has said to them. This is because BPDs tend to feel negative emotions an average of 20% longer than someone who doesn't have BPD. Find a neutral setting (like a coffee shop, for instance) and ask your loved one about the specific words or actions that upset them.  Let him know that you care for him and his feelings matter.  Be patient, as he may be skeptical and may not open up right away.

Help him boost his self-esteem.

BPDs tend to have very low self-esteem and are their own biggest critics. They may feel worthless, like their accomplishments don't matter, and beat themselves up when they feel like they have failed. Pay attention to your loved one's achievements and praise them. (e.g., "You've been sober for 30 days? That's wonderful! I knew you could do it.")  His first response may be to demur and downplay his accomplishment because praise often makes BPDs uncomfortable. If this is the case, immediately restate your appreciation but back off if your loved one gets frustrated.

Understand that you need to regulate your own emotions as well.

It can be very difficult for someone to watch a loved one suffer and be unable to control their behaviour. It is also difficult to deal with the aftermath of their impulsive or risky behaviours, such as picking them up from jail, getting a call from the hospital because he has overdosed, and so on. Many family and friends of BPDs become fearful, guilty, judgemental and desperate. If you find yourself feeling this way, seek help from a counselor. If you can regulate your own emotions, you are better equipped to help your loved one deal with theirs.

Recognise suicidal behaviour, but do NOT enforce it!

At one point or another, you are most likely going to deal with a suicide attempt or suicide threat from your loved on. If he starts displaying suicidal behaviour, try your best to handle it in that moment. Ask him about his emotions and validate (don't contradict) them. Don't bring up past issues, focus on the getting him through the crisis. It is also imperative that you do not give your loved one special treatment  only when they threaten suicide, because you may inadvertently be reinforcing the behaviour. He may start acting suicidal to elicit attention when he feels he cannot get it any other way.

Encourage him to get professional help.

While BPD does tend to improve when a person reaches their thirties and forties, long-term therapy may help curb impulsive behaviours and teach new ways of thinking. Try to find a therapist in your area who is experienced in cognitive behavioural therapy. This can be expensive and may not be covered by insurance, so if money is an issue, look into clinics that offer sliding scales for fees. Your loved one will most likely refuse help and if this is the case, do not force the issue. Instead, seek help yourself and support your loved one as best as you can.

Have a safety plan handy in case of emergency. 

This should include a list of phone numbers to call or places to visit in case of a crisis. Include suicide prevention hotline numbers, emergency services, close friends, and family members. Make sure that there is someone available every hour of every day. Also important to note are positive coping techniques (such as listening to music, meditating or taking a walk) that the person can use to re-focus their mind. List warning signs and things that may trigger a crisis on the plan. For people who have anxiety or panic disorders it is also important to have some instructions included, such as "Take your Klonopin on the way to the ER".  Remind your loved one to keep the plan with them at all times where they can easily get to it, such as in a wallet.

--Matti Dos Santos

For a look into the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, check out the following video:

HMS (Poetry)

Note: This poem was actually written sometime in 2007, but I decided to dig it up and rework it a bit. It was
written in a pretty dark and tormented period in my life. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.


"HMS"

All is lost, so go on, jump ship
Don't you dare look back
Everything you ever loved is burning
Your heart is a smoldering wreck
Send the SOS, all hands on deck
We can't save her, the flames are consuming
We're surrounded by the remnants of
A powerful love kindled between
Two childish and naive souls
These words, like water, cannot quench the fire
Their liquid embrace is quickly overpowered
Now is the time to surrender
Forever lost in the seas of emotion
I will go down with this ship...
Save yourself, let me die knowing I failed
Raising the tattered white flag with my burning hand
This ship, my heart, is ablaze in defeat

Matti Dos Santos