On Dating: Why Am I Obsessed with His Ex?

Author's Note: The scenario mentioned in this article pertains to a relationship I was in quite some time ago. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy. 

I had been dating Danny for a few months. We had met in a training class for work and the chemistry between us had been instant.  He was witty, charming, fun to be around and sexy as hell with his dark looks and amber eyes. Obviously, at our ages, I didn't kid myself that I was going to be his "first" at many things. We both had our fair share of exes; I had an ex-husband and he had a baby mama. Naturally, I was curious about his most recent ex, a girl named Lola. I wanted to know what attracted him to her, their story, why they broke up, etc. I saw that he was still friends with her on Facebook, so I started scrolling through her profile.
I quickly fell down the rabbit hole of the Danny and Lola Story. I found out that they'd started out as a long-distance relationship that quickly became serious. She was enamoured with him and it borderlined on obsession. She constantly tagged him in memes and videos, even posting a comic that alluded to the size of his junk (it was then that I felt the first stab of jealousy, hating that another woman knew my man as intimately as I). I saw that they moved in together, and soon after this he proposed. Seeing Lola's expression, shock morphed into elation, as he proposed to her on one knee surrounded by cheering friends made me feel sad. I knew Danny and I had not been together long, but he'd pooh-poohed the idea of marriage when I asked him about it, saying that he didn't see why it was necessary. But he clearly didn't think it was unecessary with her.
After awhile the posts mentioning him stopped, and her posts became more sparse; I'm guessing she changed her privacy settings sometime after the breakup. My curiosity about Lola was still not sated so I started peppering him with questions about her. She'd become jealous and possessive, he said. She wanted him to choose between him and his daughter and, like any good father, he refused. So she'd broken up with him. The last time they'd talked it had ended up with her screaming abuse at him over the phone. I asked him if he wanted to know anything about my exes. He said no. "It's all in the past right? They're them and I'm me."
For awhile he humored me when I asked about her, but after awhile he started getting annoyed. "I'm with you now. And I care about you. Please stop thinking about her so much. I know I don't." I wanted to believe him. But then I noticed he still hadn't changed his relationship status on his social media and he still had many pictures of him and Lola together. We had exactly one picture of us, and in my opinion it wasn't even a good one. I started feeling insecure. Maybe he still had feelings for her, I thought. She had a lot more in common with him than I did. They also had mutual friends and his friends and family still barely knew I existed.
So I started competing with Lola. I'd be prettier, more fun to be around, and I wouldn't fail him like she did. When he couldn't go on dates or hang out because he had his daughter, I was understanding instead of being jealous. I knew she liked anime, and even though I'd left my fangirl days behind in my teens, I cultivated an interest in it so we could have more in common. I kept a hawk-eyed watch on his social media, checking to see if she'd like or comment on any of his posts, or if he'd comment on anything of hers. It became an exhausting, full-time job that I quickly started to resent. He noticed a change in me too, but I waved it off every time he brought it up.
Before I knew it, I realised that the way I was acting was killing my relationship. How could we possibly have any kind of future together if I was so stuck on his past? Why couldn't I believe him when he said he was over her and I was the one he wanted? In my insecurity and paranoia, I had also neglected to factor in the the way people curate their online presence to look perfect. As an outsider, I'd only seen their Danny and Lola's gushy FB posts and I'd made my own judgment on what had ended their relationship. I couldn't possibly know everything that had ever happened between them, nor was it my business. Also, his experiences with her had not only helped shape him into the wonderful man I knew now, he also learned a lot about what he didn't want in a relationship. I wasn't getting any profound wisdom or insight from all my stalking-- all I was doing was making myself feel bad, lowering my self-esteem and pushing my boyfriend away.
In the end, I blocked her profile and I have resisted the urge to stalk her again. Things between Danny and I have only improved from there. Without Lola's ghost looming over us, I've been able to focus more on enjoying being with him, treasuring every moment we get to spend together. It has crossed my mind that one day we may break up, I will become another Ex, and some poor girl may start stalking me on Facebook to find out that same things I wanted to know about Lola. I hope she doesn't make the same mistakes I did and idealise me. I'm far from perfect, and he broke up with me for a reason-- but treat him well, Future Girlfriend, he deserves it.

The Time We Had (song lyrics)

Days are long

Nights are longer

Every day I get stronger, though

I still miss you so

Shine a light

Help me, guide me

Another morning

Without you beside me

Oh, why did you have to go?

No fly by night lover can heal this pain

There's no more sunshine, there's only rain

The time we had is gone

The love we shared is gone

I've been replaced

You've found another

Remember when we said

We'd only love each other, well

That's all gone to hell

I'll give away your things

Put your pictures on a shelf

Wish I could solve all my problems

With someone else

But it just feels so wrong

The love we shared is gone

Gonna drown it all in alcohol

Wash everything away

Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight

And face another day

Why can't I just move on?

The time we had is gone

The love we shared is gone

---M.

Higher (poetry/song thingy)

"Higher"

Hey, why don't you pick up the phone?
Haven't heard from you in awhile
And I'm tired of being alone
Hey, I know you're hurting inside
But if you just give me a chance
I'll make everything all right
Cos you're like heroin
Coursing through my veins
First comes the ecstasy then the pain
Just take my hand
Maybe then you'll understand
And as your golden hair surrounds me
I'll take you higher than you've ever been before
Don't try to fight it, just embrace it
Tell me, tell me now that you want more
Hey, I understand that you're afraid
Those other girls, they've hurt you
But I'm not the same
I'll do my best to wash it all
Away from your memory
First, I need you next to me
This chance comes once in a lifetime, make the best of it
As for my lifetime, you can have the rest of it
You've nothing left to prove
And nothing left to lose 
And as your golden hair surrounds me
I'll take you higher than you've ever been before
Don't try to fight it, just embrace it
Tell me, tell me now that you want more


-- M. Dos Santos 

An Open Letter to Someone Whose Heart I've Broken

When I first met you, I was thirteen years old. Awkward, short, chubby with bad teeth and no fashion sense to speak of. No one would have called me pretty. You were fifteen and amazing. You were tall, with almond shaped brown eyes, and a mop of black hair, and a mouth full of the craziest braces I'd ever seen. You were the first person who ever gave me butterflies in my stomach; I bet you didn't know that, did you? Well, even after all these years, when I think back these days... I feel bittersweet nostalgia.
You were best friends with my best friend's boyfriend. Therefore you were always in the background. Those two would be acting lovey-dovey and we'd be standing around awkwardly, unsure of what to do or say. I wanted very badly for you to be my boyfriend. But of course, I had no idea how to tell you how I felt. I thought about writing a letter. I thought about telling Danielle to talk to you for me. In the end, I ended up resorting to something only a 90s creeper would do: I looked up your phone number in the phone book. There weren't many people with your last name, and it didn't take me long to get to you.
You actually seemed pleasantly surprised to hear from me. For over an hour we talked about silly, mundane things; and yet, I could not bring myself to tell you those magic words. Fear won in the end. When we hung up, my initial elation turned into misery. I had failed. I was not allowed to be talking on the phone with boys and I was punished severely. But it was worth it, just to hear your voice and your laughter.
Our friends eventually broke up, and we never hung out anymore. You went on to high school and I went on to eighth grade. Of course I had other loves over the years, but every now and then I would find myself thinking about you and wondering what happened to you. Did you go to college? Did you get married? What were you doing for a living? Where did you live now? For some reason I couldn't get you out of my head.
Then, in June 2011, I found you on Facebook. Oh man, I thought to myself. The years have only made him more handsome. Your adolescent brown mop had become something wild, and untamed. A beautiful halo framing your exotic features. I wondered if you would even remember me. I sent you a friend request anyway. It was over a year before you accepted it.
You didn't remember me at first, because I had changed my name and I looked nothing like the person you knew before. On June 22nd, 2012, you asked me out on a date. 13 years later... and I finally had a date with you. I was ecstatic. You showed up at my door with a shy smile and a dozen red roses. All these old feelings came rushing back. Destiny had brought you back into my life for a reason, I told myself. I vowed to hang onto you as long as I could.
Soon enough we became lovers. And that's when things started to change. I had not seen you in over a decade and I didn't know your story. How was I to know you had inner demons you were still fighting, and you had known so much despair and pain? How were you to know that three broken engagements and one failed marriage had given me more trust issues than most people could be reasonably expected to handle? We were both very messed-up, lonely people, clinging to each other. I thought I could just put a Band-Aid on my wounds and forget it; but I didn't realize just how deeply I'd been cut. For being with you shook me to my very core, and I became terrified that you would leave. The harder I clung to you, the more you pushed me away. We were locked in a battle of wills.
You told me you would never say "I love you" because you didn't believe in love. That was what hurt the most I think.  I wanted to give you my heart, but you wouldn't let me. I became angry and resentful. I held it in because I didn't want to start any more fights.
The end came in mid-August. You were tired of my nonsense and I was tired of you not feeling the way I wanted you to feel about me. It was ugly, it was long, and I cried for days. I would spend nights staring at the ceiling, wishing I would just fall asleep and not wake up. My junior-high fantasy didn't come true. Instead, it became a nightmare, an emotional train wreck. The worst part about it all was that I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, but I decided to enter one anyway, all for the sake of a happy ending for my puerile fairy tale.  There was only one way our story could end,  and that was not well.
I wish I could tell you how sorry I truly am. I wish you could know how much I regret trying to make you into something you're not. I wish you could be happy with me, but I know that's an impossibility because you will always have those walls built up. I want to hand you my heart on a silver platter but I know you will just turn your face away.  So I guess, in the end, all I can say is this...
I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please don't hate me.

Haibun (Japanese Poetry)

Haibun is a form of Japanese poetry that was popularised in the 17th century by poet Matsuo Bosho. it combines a prose poem and a haiku, which communicate with each other either subtly or directly. 3rd person objective  is used in the prose, while the haiku follows the traditional 5-7-5 rule. 

The First Time

She had waited so long for this moment. The timing was perfect. He was perfect. Conversation, which before had been so shy and awkward, came to a standstill. The long night stretched before them as they dove into each other face first.

fear morphs into joy
unexplored terrain conquered
infinite rapture

Find Me (Song Lyrics)

1. Another sleepless night

Without you by my side

Can't be without you anymore

Nothing's worth living for

She's still on your mind

Even though she left you behind

Come to your senses, love, and come to me

Imagine what we can be

Pre-Chorus.

All I want to do

Is find a way to cure your pain

Kiss away your tears

So you never hurt again

Chorus.Find me waiting

Find me contemplating

Find me wishing you were here

Keep me wondering, keep me guessing

Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson

Is this love, or is this fear

2. Another day passes by

Tell myself I'll be all right

One day you'll come around

As the sun, again, goes down

Well, I know this much is true

She's got a power over you

Am I a fool to pretend

That I'm winning in the end?

Pre-Chorus 2.

They say I'm crazy and I should give it up

Don't tell me maybe, it's not enough

(Chorus)

Bridge.

All I want is all of you (2x)

I'll show you that my love is true

All I want is all of you

(Chorus 2x)

---M.

Love Doll (POETRY)

Your kisses taste so bittersweet

We could be something more

That's what bothers me

When it's over I always disappear

I sleep alone every night

Because you're never here

You say you want me when you call me

But you only want me when you're horny

I'm your sex doll

Take me or leave me

You leave me empty

My heart's broken and bleeding

I'm your sex doll

Discarded and ruined

Can't take anymore

I won't live through it

Last night you promised me someday

When it's all over

You're the one who gets away

I get nothing but lots of wasted time

People think I'm crazy

Cos I want to make you mine

But who wants a sex doll?

Used up like a tissue

Carefully concealed like a mental issue

Who wants a sex doll?

Well, you don't mind

But I'm cold and I'm lonely

When you leave me behind

---M.