Author's Note: The scenario mentioned in this article pertains to a relationship I was in quite some time ago. Names and some details have been changed to protect privacy.
I had been dating Danny for a few months. We had met in a training class for work and the chemistry between us had been instant. He was witty, charming, fun to be around and sexy as hell with his dark looks and amber eyes. Obviously, at our ages, I didn't kid myself that I was going to be his "first" at many things. We both had our fair share of exes; I had an ex-husband and he had a baby mama. Naturally, I was curious about his most recent ex, a girl named Lola. I wanted to know what attracted him to her, their story, why they broke up, etc. I saw that he was still friends with her on Facebook, so I started scrolling through her profile.
I quickly fell down the rabbit hole of the Danny and Lola Story. I found out that they'd started out as a long-distance relationship that quickly became serious. She was enamoured with him and it borderlined on obsession. She constantly tagged him in memes and videos, even posting a comic that alluded to the size of his junk (it was then that I felt the first stab of jealousy, hating that another woman knew my man as intimately as I). I saw that they moved in together, and soon after this he proposed. Seeing Lola's expression, shock morphed into elation, as he proposed to her on one knee surrounded by cheering friends made me feel sad. I knew Danny and I had not been together long, but he'd pooh-poohed the idea of marriage when I asked him about it, saying that he didn't see why it was necessary. But he clearly didn't think it was unecessary with her.
After awhile the posts mentioning him stopped, and her posts became more sparse; I'm guessing she changed her privacy settings sometime after the breakup. My curiosity about Lola was still not sated so I started peppering him with questions about her. She'd become jealous and possessive, he said. She wanted him to choose between him and his daughter and, like any good father, he refused. So she'd broken up with him. The last time they'd talked it had ended up with her screaming abuse at him over the phone. I asked him if he wanted to know anything about my exes. He said no. "It's all in the past right? They're them and I'm me."
For awhile he humored me when I asked about her, but after awhile he started getting annoyed. "I'm with you now. And I care about you. Please stop thinking about her so much. I know I don't." I wanted to believe him. But then I noticed he still hadn't changed his relationship status on his social media and he still had many pictures of him and Lola together. We had exactly one picture of us, and in my opinion it wasn't even a good one. I started feeling insecure. Maybe he still had feelings for her, I thought. She had a lot more in common with him than I did. They also had mutual friends and his friends and family still barely knew I existed.
So I started competing with Lola. I'd be prettier, more fun to be around, and I wouldn't fail him like she did. When he couldn't go on dates or hang out because he had his daughter, I was understanding instead of being jealous. I knew she liked anime, and even though I'd left my fangirl days behind in my teens, I cultivated an interest in it so we could have more in common. I kept a hawk-eyed watch on his social media, checking to see if she'd like or comment on any of his posts, or if he'd comment on anything of hers. It became an exhausting, full-time job that I quickly started to resent. He noticed a change in me too, but I waved it off every time he brought it up.
Before I knew it, I realised that the way I was acting was killing my relationship. How could we possibly have any kind of future together if I was so stuck on his past? Why couldn't I believe him when he said he was over her and I was the one he wanted? In my insecurity and paranoia, I had also neglected to factor in the the way people curate their online presence to look perfect. As an outsider, I'd only seen their Danny and Lola's gushy FB posts and I'd made my own judgment on what had ended their relationship. I couldn't possibly know everything that had ever happened between them, nor was it my business. Also, his experiences with her had not only helped shape him into the wonderful man I knew now, he also learned a lot about what he didn't want in a relationship. I wasn't getting any profound wisdom or insight from all my stalking-- all I was doing was making myself feel bad, lowering my self-esteem and pushing my boyfriend away.
In the end, I blocked her profile and I have resisted the urge to stalk her again. Things between Danny and I have only improved from there. Without Lola's ghost looming over us, I've been able to focus more on enjoying being with him, treasuring every moment we get to spend together. It has crossed my mind that one day we may break up, I will become another Ex, and some poor girl may start stalking me on Facebook to find out that same things I wanted to know about Lola. I hope she doesn't make the same mistakes I did and idealise me. I'm far from perfect, and he broke up with me for a reason-- but treat him well, Future Girlfriend, he deserves it.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Haibun (Japanese Poetry)
Haibun is a form of Japanese poetry that was popularised in the 17th century by poet Matsuo Bosho. it combines a prose poem and a haiku, which communicate with each other either subtly or directly. 3rd person objective is used in the prose, while the haiku follows the traditional 5-7-5 rule.
The First Time
She had waited so long for this moment. The timing was perfect. He was perfect. Conversation, which before had been so shy and awkward, came to a standstill. The long night stretched before them as they dove into each other face first.
fear morphs into joy
unexplored terrain conquered
infinite rapture
The First Time
She had waited so long for this moment. The timing was perfect. He was perfect. Conversation, which before had been so shy and awkward, came to a standstill. The long night stretched before them as they dove into each other face first.
fear morphs into joy
unexplored terrain conquered
infinite rapture
Friday, October 14, 2011
A Not-So-Happy Ending (Part 2)
January 2004 arrived, and I was absolutely full to bursting with excitement and anticipation. Not only was I soon to be a legal adult, I was finalising my plans for university in the fall. The year prior, before I'd even met John, I aced all my entrance exams. I hoped my extracurriculars, foreign language credits and part-time job would make up for my otherwise lacklustre high school career. All around me, I heard my classmates talking about their dream schools: Ivy Leagues like Yale and Harvard, but some were choosing to stay closer to home and go to state schools. My dream school was Sarah Lawrence in Bronxville, New York, where I planned to major in Music Education. However, out-of-state tuition, room and board would cost forty thousand dollars a year. Since I did not qualify for most financial aid, I would have to take out massive student loans and hope I could luck into a work-study position on campus to cover my other living expenses. I was okay with this; I figured that once I graduated I would be able to land a cushy job somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, perhaps running my own music studio. Life would be good.
So where did my boyfriend fit into all of this? He had no plans to go to uni, or for any kind of future really. He seemed to be content eking out a meagre existence on his delivery driver's salary. He also harshly criticised me for my Sarah Lawrence plans, saying I was only doing it to live up to others' expectations. He said I was a doormat and I had no backbone. I called him an ambitionless loser. It soon got to the point where I couldn't mention uni without it becoming a huge fight. We would scream at each other for hours until one, or both, of us was crying. We would make up soon afterward but the cease-fires never lasted long. I was terrified of losing him, but I had no idea what would happen to us after I graduated. Would we be able to make a long distance relationship work? The thought of being away from him for months on end, with email, AOL Messenger and the occasional phone conversation being the only ways we could keep in touch, sounded like more than I could bear.
Around this time we started spending more time with our coworkers from Dominos. They were older than us, in their twenties and thirties, and they were more than happy to supply us with cigarettes, liquor and weed. Naturally neither of our parents approved us hanging out with these guys so I would lie and say I was going to study at a friend's or I had to work late. My school friends, by and large, had stopped associating with me. They didn't like John, they thought he was weird, and my friend Victor even thought our relationship was unhealthy. But I had no idea what a healthy relationship was even supposed to look like. I only had the all the silly ideas that had been planted in my head since I was a kid from TV and movies. Ideas like "there's one right person for everyone", "if it's meant to be, it will work out," "love is all you need", etc.
At the same time, I thought we needed some excitement to make us fall in love all over again. In February, we went to see a 311 concert in Albuquerque. It was the first real concert either of us had been to. The line was long, stretching all the way around the building, so we passed the time by making out, goofing around and people watching. They played "Love Song" from "50 First Dates" and we slow danced together, swaying gently to 311's downtempo reggae rock. In the moment, all the fights, all the months of discord melted away. I felt safe, loved and at peace. On the way home, high on expectations, I decided that we should get married. Marriage, I reasoned, would solve all our problems. As husband and wife, we would have no choice to work on our problems. We would be a team and build a future together. Uni wasn't as important as spending life with the man I loved.
So I asked him to marry me, and he accepted. We broke the news of our engagement to our parents. My mother was furious. She forbade me to marry him. "You are throwing your entire future away over some boy!" she yelled. I had always been an obedient child, rarely rebelling. Normally I would have bowed my head and murmured an apology. But I stood firm, and she slammed the door to my room in disgust. His parents just laughed at us. They said we would never go through with it, and if we did, we would never last. However, his mother wanted me to have a ring at least. She gave me her grandmother's ring. It was beautiful, a small solitary diamond set in white gold, but it was much too large. I wore it on a chain around my neck.
In order to prepare for married life, I decided to forego my usual spring sport and took a job at Sonic. I would be making more money as a carhop since I got tips; this would be perfect for saving for a wedding and a place together. By this point John had dropped out of school and he was working at Dominos full time. The application deadline for Sarah Lawrence came and went. I realised that I hadn't applied to a single school. In order to get my mum off my back, I applied to New Mexico State University, her alma mater. They accepted me, but I would have to pay my own way. I told Mum I would use the money I earned from Sonic to pay for school, hoping she would leave me alone. She relented...for a time.
Little did I know that she had plans of her own. Her contract at LANL was up, and she was moving the family to Albuquerque. I was coming too, she said, end of discussion. I told her that with only two months left in the semester, it was highly unlikely that I'd be able to finish school there. She didn't care. She just wanted me to get away from John. She went to extreme measures to make sure I didn't see him, including having my siblings spy on me. Both of them felt really bad about doing it, but they didn't want to incur my mum's wrath.
I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away and moved into John's small, cramped room. We were reunited! It was a huge victory, and I thought John would be proud of me for standing up to my mother. I relished my newfound freedom. A couple of weeks after I moved in with him, he dropped a bombshell: He wasn't sure if he was ready to get married. At least not yet. When pressed, he simply said he needed to think about it, he needed more time. Something inside me shattered. Didn't he appreciate everything I'd done for him? I had nothing without him. I had no friends, I was estranged from my family, my entire future centred around him, but it wasn't good enough. "Matti," he said exhaustedly, burying his head in his hands. "I do want to marry you. Someday. We're too young. I'm not ready." Since Mum had left already for Albuquerque with my brother in tow, I called his parents and begged them to let me stay at their place until the school year was out. They agreed, and my sister and I moved in with them in late April.
Eventually, we reconciled. I asked him to come with me to Senior Prom. We planned a cozy, romantic candelit dinner, just us two. However, my sister decided to invite herself along, as well as several of her friends and their dates. I was starved for a social life, so I was happy about the change of plan. When I called John and told him the news, he blew up. "Thanks for ruining everything," he said. "I hope you enjoy your night." He hung up. I tried calling him back a couple of hours later but his roommate told me that he wasn't home.
"Where is he?" I demanded.
"He has a date," his roommate replied smoothly. I heard one of his other roommates laughing in the background.
A date. A DATE. I couldn't believe it. I hung up, tears streaming down my face. My sister quickly found me another date (her date's best friend) but the night was a disaster. My date and I barely spoke to each other, and all I could think about was him cheating on me with this other girl. Later he told me it was a set-up by his roommates, he didn't even know the other girl, and nothing happened between them. The damage had already been done, however. My heart was broken into a million pieces.
John's father got a contracting job in Colorado, one that would be very well paid and would allow us to keep living with them. Since I was still angry with my mother, I said yes, I would love to move to Colorado. It would be a new beginning. I could leave all the painful memories behind. John alternated between begging me for forgiveness and blaming me for what happened on Prom Night. Graduation, then moving day arrived. He stopped by his parents' house to say good-bye, just as we were getting ready to make the long drive to Colorado. I had nothing left to say to him. When he reached out to embrace me, I pushed past him and got into the car. A look of bewilderment and dismay crept across his face. It was still there as we were driving away.
TO BE CONTINUED
So where did my boyfriend fit into all of this? He had no plans to go to uni, or for any kind of future really. He seemed to be content eking out a meagre existence on his delivery driver's salary. He also harshly criticised me for my Sarah Lawrence plans, saying I was only doing it to live up to others' expectations. He said I was a doormat and I had no backbone. I called him an ambitionless loser. It soon got to the point where I couldn't mention uni without it becoming a huge fight. We would scream at each other for hours until one, or both, of us was crying. We would make up soon afterward but the cease-fires never lasted long. I was terrified of losing him, but I had no idea what would happen to us after I graduated. Would we be able to make a long distance relationship work? The thought of being away from him for months on end, with email, AOL Messenger and the occasional phone conversation being the only ways we could keep in touch, sounded like more than I could bear.
Around this time we started spending more time with our coworkers from Dominos. They were older than us, in their twenties and thirties, and they were more than happy to supply us with cigarettes, liquor and weed. Naturally neither of our parents approved us hanging out with these guys so I would lie and say I was going to study at a friend's or I had to work late. My school friends, by and large, had stopped associating with me. They didn't like John, they thought he was weird, and my friend Victor even thought our relationship was unhealthy. But I had no idea what a healthy relationship was even supposed to look like. I only had the all the silly ideas that had been planted in my head since I was a kid from TV and movies. Ideas like "there's one right person for everyone", "if it's meant to be, it will work out," "love is all you need", etc.
At the same time, I thought we needed some excitement to make us fall in love all over again. In February, we went to see a 311 concert in Albuquerque. It was the first real concert either of us had been to. The line was long, stretching all the way around the building, so we passed the time by making out, goofing around and people watching. They played "Love Song" from "50 First Dates" and we slow danced together, swaying gently to 311's downtempo reggae rock. In the moment, all the fights, all the months of discord melted away. I felt safe, loved and at peace. On the way home, high on expectations, I decided that we should get married. Marriage, I reasoned, would solve all our problems. As husband and wife, we would have no choice to work on our problems. We would be a team and build a future together. Uni wasn't as important as spending life with the man I loved.
So I asked him to marry me, and he accepted. We broke the news of our engagement to our parents. My mother was furious. She forbade me to marry him. "You are throwing your entire future away over some boy!" she yelled. I had always been an obedient child, rarely rebelling. Normally I would have bowed my head and murmured an apology. But I stood firm, and she slammed the door to my room in disgust. His parents just laughed at us. They said we would never go through with it, and if we did, we would never last. However, his mother wanted me to have a ring at least. She gave me her grandmother's ring. It was beautiful, a small solitary diamond set in white gold, but it was much too large. I wore it on a chain around my neck.
In order to prepare for married life, I decided to forego my usual spring sport and took a job at Sonic. I would be making more money as a carhop since I got tips; this would be perfect for saving for a wedding and a place together. By this point John had dropped out of school and he was working at Dominos full time. The application deadline for Sarah Lawrence came and went. I realised that I hadn't applied to a single school. In order to get my mum off my back, I applied to New Mexico State University, her alma mater. They accepted me, but I would have to pay my own way. I told Mum I would use the money I earned from Sonic to pay for school, hoping she would leave me alone. She relented...for a time.
Little did I know that she had plans of her own. Her contract at LANL was up, and she was moving the family to Albuquerque. I was coming too, she said, end of discussion. I told her that with only two months left in the semester, it was highly unlikely that I'd be able to finish school there. She didn't care. She just wanted me to get away from John. She went to extreme measures to make sure I didn't see him, including having my siblings spy on me. Both of them felt really bad about doing it, but they didn't want to incur my mum's wrath.
I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away and moved into John's small, cramped room. We were reunited! It was a huge victory, and I thought John would be proud of me for standing up to my mother. I relished my newfound freedom. A couple of weeks after I moved in with him, he dropped a bombshell: He wasn't sure if he was ready to get married. At least not yet. When pressed, he simply said he needed to think about it, he needed more time. Something inside me shattered. Didn't he appreciate everything I'd done for him? I had nothing without him. I had no friends, I was estranged from my family, my entire future centred around him, but it wasn't good enough. "Matti," he said exhaustedly, burying his head in his hands. "I do want to marry you. Someday. We're too young. I'm not ready." Since Mum had left already for Albuquerque with my brother in tow, I called his parents and begged them to let me stay at their place until the school year was out. They agreed, and my sister and I moved in with them in late April.
Eventually, we reconciled. I asked him to come with me to Senior Prom. We planned a cozy, romantic candelit dinner, just us two. However, my sister decided to invite herself along, as well as several of her friends and their dates. I was starved for a social life, so I was happy about the change of plan. When I called John and told him the news, he blew up. "Thanks for ruining everything," he said. "I hope you enjoy your night." He hung up. I tried calling him back a couple of hours later but his roommate told me that he wasn't home.
"Where is he?" I demanded.
"He has a date," his roommate replied smoothly. I heard one of his other roommates laughing in the background.
A date. A DATE. I couldn't believe it. I hung up, tears streaming down my face. My sister quickly found me another date (her date's best friend) but the night was a disaster. My date and I barely spoke to each other, and all I could think about was him cheating on me with this other girl. Later he told me it was a set-up by his roommates, he didn't even know the other girl, and nothing happened between them. The damage had already been done, however. My heart was broken into a million pieces.
John's father got a contracting job in Colorado, one that would be very well paid and would allow us to keep living with them. Since I was still angry with my mother, I said yes, I would love to move to Colorado. It would be a new beginning. I could leave all the painful memories behind. John alternated between begging me for forgiveness and blaming me for what happened on Prom Night. Graduation, then moving day arrived. He stopped by his parents' house to say good-bye, just as we were getting ready to make the long drive to Colorado. I had nothing left to say to him. When he reached out to embrace me, I pushed past him and got into the car. A look of bewilderment and dismay crept across his face. It was still there as we were driving away.
TO BE CONTINUED
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