I know a boy who once was a very good friend. Let's call him Andy.
Andy had been lonely for almost two years. He'd been on a couple of dates, but he still hadn't found a girlfriend. He worked at a gas station, which was frequented by local high school girls. There was a girl who'd come in frequently and buy burritos. She called him "The Hot Burrito Guy". He thought she was super cute, but he worried about the age difference, as Andy was already 19 going on 20. He found out that the pretty girl's name was Michelle. One day, Michelle came to buy a burrito. She was wearing her cheerleader's uniform, looking fresh-faced and pretty. She boldly asked him out on a date. Andy was in awe; he accepted.
After being alone for so long, he couldn't help but fall for her. She was funny, smart, spontaneous, witty. He cherished their movie nights. He loved her biting wit and acerbic sense of humour. The past two years had been a very dark period in Andy's life, but Michelle brought light and happiness. She even seemed to like watching professional wrestling with him (something most other girls seemed to hate). He was pretty sure he'd finally found the girl he was looking for.
However, shortly after their one year anniversary, Michelle dropped a bomb: She'd lied to him about her age. When they first started dating, she had told him she was 17. She had actually been 16 (which meant that he could face a statutory rape charge if her parents found out). She also revealed that she had lied to him about several other things. Andy was shocked and heartbroken. He broke up with her that same night.
Michelle, however, would not allow herself to be left. She flooded his phone with voicemails and texts, asking him to give her another chance. Andy's friends thought he'd be better off without her but he felt that maybe he had been too harsh. After all, everyone makes mistakes. So he took her back. He made her promise never to lie like that again. She promised, and all was well. Andy was confident that a fresh start would fix everything.
A few months later, they moved in together. They shared an apartment with his cousin, Owen. Andy soon found Michelle incredibly difficult to live with. She was unable to keep a job for more than a few months at a time and when she did have money, she would spend it on things she didn't need, while contributing almost nothing to the upkeep of the household. They got into constant fights. During one of those fights, Michelle kicked him in his testicles. They were swollen for three days afterward. Andy became very depressed and started drinking heavily.
Another thing Andy found out about Michelle was that she had a flair for the dramatic. She was a narcissist and thought that everyone flirted with her. She also made up lies about people, and would start drama with her friends. She stole money from Andy's aunt a few times, blaming someone else every time she got caught. Andy's friends and family began to worry about the toxic nature of their relationship. One night, whilst having a row, Michelle revealed that the only reason that she started dating Andy was because of his resemblance to a certain rock star. She wanted to take pictures with him, post them on Myspace, and make everyone believe he was this person.
Through it all, Andy stuck with her. He believed that love meant staying with someone no matter what obstacles they faced. No matter how difficult or impossible a person might be, he thought that if you truly love a person, then that means more than any shortcomings a person may have. As years passed, Andy lost friends, and his family became more distant. Michelle's family hated him (they were just as crazy as she was) and did not allow him to come to family events. They blamed him for all her weird behaviour, claiming she was never like that till she met him. Around the time of Michael Jackson's death, Michelle suggested they get married, have an MJ themed wedding and get everyone to pay for it. Andy was a huge Michael Jackson fan, so naturally he liked the idea. He bought Michelle a ring and told everyone the good news.
Michelle had taken a job at a bookstore chain at the local mall. She liked the job and even more so, one of her coworkers, Justin. She and Justin started spending a lot of time together. He would text her at all hours of the night. Andy started feeling very hurt and left out, especially because Michelle never asked him to hang out with her and Justin. He confronted her about it, but she claimed that they were "just friends" and there was nothing for him to worry about. As time went on, it was evident that there was plenty to worry about. Andy, feeling scared and insecure, hacked Michelle's phone while she was sleeping. He found all kinds of racy text messages from Justin. He confronted her the next morning. Michelle confessed what was really going on, then promptly dumped him. 4 1/2 years ended just like that.
Though this happened some time ago, Andy is, to this day still very hurt and confused. He was pretty blindsided by the breakup. He wonders what he did wrong. "I was an excellent boyfriend," he says, "I never cheated, I never lied, I always remembered her birthday and our anniversary. I gave her everything she wanted. How could she do this to me?"
I don't feel that Andy meant to do anything wrong. He did everything he could to ensure that they had a good relationship. He made, however, two very fatal errors. One, he ignored red flags throughout the relationship, and two, he allowed himself to get comfortable with a person who was clearly wrong for him.
Humans are very adaptable human beings. We can get used to just about anything after awhile. Allow me to present an example. Say you have a chair. It is uncomfortable, with giant spikes of varying sizes poking out. When you first sit on the chair, you scream "OUCH!" and jump up. But allow yourself to get used to the spikes, and soon you know each individual spike. You become comfortable. You learn to avoid the one that pokes you in the side and always go for the ones that don't hurt as much. In this way you can spend hours, even days on this uncomfortable spiky chair. You might even start to like it. After awhile sitting on another chair just feels "wrong". You miss the spiky chair because it is comfortable, and you're used to it. Never mind that you have puncture wounds that never seem to quite heal, and everyone wonders why you're sitting in that damn spiky chair in the first place.
In this way, we become used to people who are bad for us. We will ignore all the bad signs (such as Michelle's lying and stealing) and focus only on the good (like sense of humor, skills in bed). We believe that love means sacrifice, even if it means sacrificing our own happiness for someone else's. However, when a relationship becomes more painful that pleasurable, one needs to make the decision to let go and move on with life, and find a more comfortable chair, so to speak. If you don't, you will end up with only more pain in the end, like Andy did, and wounds that may scar but never quite heal.
Andy is still alone and hurt, while Michelle is happy with Justin. People keep telling Andy that it's only a matter of time before she dumps Justin for a newer model as well, but this is a small comfort. He cannot seem to let go of the dreams and hopes he had. We don't speak anymore, but I hope one day he is able to let go. Life is all about moving on, and sometimes love can find you when you least expect it.
M.
