How To Deal With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder

People with Borderline Personality disorder rarely have stable relationships. They are often laden with conflict, intense, and short-lived. Familial relationships are often strained as well, because family members have a difficult time coping with their loved one's erratic behaviour. Many people with BPD struggle with addiction and this can be a burden on their families and friends as well. If you have a friend or relative who has BPD, you need to understand that their minds do not work like a "normal" person's does. Read on to find some simple strategies that will  help you cope with their behaviour, ease conflict, and strengthen your relationship.

 Recognise that Borderline behaviour is not deliberate. 

It can be very hard not to take some of the things a person with borderline does personally. They may snap at you for seemingly nothing at all, get angry over silly things and hate you for breaking a promise. While this can be distressing, realise that a your loved one is not doing it on purpose. They simply don't know any other way to think and have difficulty controlling their emtotions.

Learn to communicate in a way that your loved one will not find offensive.

People with BPD often have a short fuse. Saying the wrong thing can cause extreme anger and the borderline person will often stew over what someone has said to them. This is because BPDs tend to feel negative emotions an average of 20% longer than someone who doesn't have BPD. Find a neutral setting (like a coffee shop, for instance) and ask your loved one about the specific words or actions that upset them.  Let him know that you care for him and his feelings matter.  Be patient, as he may be skeptical and may not open up right away.

Help him boost his self-esteem.

BPDs tend to have very low self-esteem and are their own biggest critics. They may feel worthless, like their accomplishments don't matter, and beat themselves up when they feel like they have failed. Pay attention to your loved one's achievements and praise them. (e.g., "You've been sober for 30 days? That's wonderful! I knew you could do it.")  His first response may be to demur and downplay his accomplishment because praise often makes BPDs uncomfortable. If this is the case, immediately restate your appreciation but back off if your loved one gets frustrated.

Understand that you need to regulate your own emotions as well.

It can be very difficult for someone to watch a loved one suffer and be unable to control their behaviour. It is also difficult to deal with the aftermath of their impulsive or risky behaviours, such as picking them up from jail, getting a call from the hospital because he has overdosed, and so on. Many family and friends of BPDs become fearful, guilty, judgemental and desperate. If you find yourself feeling this way, seek help from a counselor. If you can regulate your own emotions, you are better equipped to help your loved one deal with theirs.

Recognise suicidal behaviour, but do NOT enforce it!

At one point or another, you are most likely going to deal with a suicide attempt or suicide threat from your loved on. If he starts displaying suicidal behaviour, try your best to handle it in that moment. Ask him about his emotions and validate (don't contradict) them. Don't bring up past issues, focus on the getting him through the crisis. It is also imperative that you do not give your loved one special treatment  only when they threaten suicide, because you may inadvertently be reinforcing the behaviour. He may start acting suicidal to elicit attention when he feels he cannot get it any other way.

Encourage him to get professional help.

While BPD does tend to improve when a person reaches their thirties and forties, long-term therapy may help curb impulsive behaviours and teach new ways of thinking. Try to find a therapist in your area who is experienced in cognitive behavioural therapy. This can be expensive and may not be covered by insurance, so if money is an issue, look into clinics that offer sliding scales for fees. Your loved one will most likely refuse help and if this is the case, do not force the issue. Instead, seek help yourself and support your loved one as best as you can.

Have a safety plan handy in case of emergency. 

This should include a list of phone numbers to call or places to visit in case of a crisis. Include suicide prevention hotline numbers, emergency services, close friends, and family members. Make sure that there is someone available every hour of every day. Also important to note are positive coping techniques (such as listening to music, meditating or taking a walk) that the person can use to re-focus their mind. List warning signs and things that may trigger a crisis on the plan. For people who have anxiety or panic disorders it is also important to have some instructions included, such as "Take your Klonopin on the way to the ER".  Remind your loved one to keep the plan with them at all times where they can easily get to it, such as in a wallet.

--Matti Dos Santos

For a look into the mind of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, check out the following video:

HMS (Poetry)

Note: This poem was actually written sometime in 2007, but I decided to dig it up and rework it a bit. It was
written in a pretty dark and tormented period in my life. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.


"HMS"

All is lost, so go on, jump ship
Don't you dare look back
Everything you ever loved is burning
Your heart is a smoldering wreck
Send the SOS, all hands on deck
We can't save her, the flames are consuming
We're surrounded by the remnants of
A powerful love kindled between
Two childish and naive souls
These words, like water, cannot quench the fire
Their liquid embrace is quickly overpowered
Now is the time to surrender
Forever lost in the seas of emotion
I will go down with this ship...
Save yourself, let me die knowing I failed
Raising the tattered white flag with my burning hand
This ship, my heart, is ablaze in defeat

Matti Dos Santos

A Beginner's Guide to a Minimalist Life

I was born in the US, a country where excess is the norm. You can buy a drink at a gas station soda fountain that is bigger than your stomach. Automobiles such as Hummers and SUVS get awful gas mileage and are bad for the environment, but they make the person driving them look affluent. Restaurant portions meant to feed one could feed a whole family in a third world country. Not to mention, everyone's busy, working stressful jobs, in order to make money needed to buy expensive things: the latest smartphone, the newest fashions. It's important to HAVE. Everyone seems to be afflicted with the need to HAVE, and if you don't, well, you're just a friendless loser going nowhere in life.
However, is all this HAVING really making anyone happy? Of course not. More people are being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Stress can take years off your lifespan because chronic exposure to stress hormones damages body tissues. But instead of handing over your hard-earned money for anti-depression medication, why not try a different approach to life? By this, I mean living minimally. Living a minimalist life means getting rid of all unnecessary clutter and spending more time with the people that you love.
"But, Matti!" you protest. "Do you expect me to live out of a suitcase or something? And I can't get rid of my iPhone, I'm addicted to it." First of all, you can still live in a your fancy loft and be a minimalist. Heck, you can still have an iPhone and be a minimalist. But that pile of stuff that you have in your closet that you barely look at, and stresses you out, has to go. That huge credit card bill, car payment, cable bill? Those can go too. Below, a few simple steps to making your life simpler:

1) Write out a list of everything you own. Seriously, everything. But wait, you can't name everything? That right there is a sign you have too much. Once this list is done (this is the hardest part) start thinking of everything you can do without. Give away those extra clothes to charity, and sell that unwanted furniture on Craiglist. If you have extra canned food cluttering up your pantry, donate it to a local food bank and make a needy family in your area happy.

2) Removing clutter from your life also means removing unnecessary people as well. We all have at least one "friend" who's a toxic person, brings you down, constantly whines about how much their life sucks or needs you to bail them out all the time. If having these people around decreases your quality of life, then you probably should end the friendship. If this person is someone you rarely see anyway, then it may be as simple as deleting them from your Facebook page, phone contacts, unfollowing on Twitter, etc. If this person is someone you consider a close friend or even a family member, this can be a bit more complicated. See this article for help.

3) Stop going out to eat, ordering takeaway, and relying on processed food all the time. It's expensive, unhealthy and unnecessary. When we get back from work or school, we are often so tired and drained that we just want to pop something in the microwave, or pick up the phone to order pizza. However, eating this way all the time is bad for both health and wallet. Find one day a week where you aren't doing anything and make a large batch of something simple: soup, chili, pinto beans, whatever tickles your fancy and freeze it. That way, you'll have a week's worth of dinners and won't be tempted to order out. Pack lunches for work (think stuff like sandwiches, pitas, leftovers). Have a simple, but nutritious breakfast, such as a smoothie, whole-grain cereal, or homemade granola.

4) Learn how to be alone. This can be hard for some people, but is very worth it! Spend this time doing something you love: learning a new instrument or skill, meditating, communing with God (if you're religious), writing in a diary or writing a letter to a loved one. Sometimes it is best to spend a day in quiet solitude than having a shopping spree or visiting an amusement park. Take social media "fasts" and disconnect from the Internet for awhile (even if it's just for a few hours), turn off your phone and television. A long, solo walk or hike can also be beneficial and stress-relieving.

5) Reduce your overall consumption and avoid advertising as much as possible.  Get AdBlock for your web browser (go here for a free download) to get rid of annoying ads.Cancel your subscriptions to magazines that are mostly ads and check out their online versions. Have a gas guzzling car? If you can't get rid of it, start using it less. Carpool with friends, ride the bus, ride your bike, or even walk. Due for a cell phone upgrade? Consider getting a prepaid, emergency-only cell phone instead or trading in your smartphone for something simpler. Are you a fashion lover? Instead of shelling out big cash for the latest haute couture items, check out thrift stores and resale shops.

I have been living minimally for about 4 years now. At first it was due to necessity, but now it is out of choice. I do not own a car, a cell phone, or a single piece of furniture. The majority of my possessions are books and clothes. Now, I am not saying that this is for everyone, but it works for me. Most of us can take at least some of the steps listed above. Even doing something as small as getting rid of cable and only having basic TV channels will make a huge difference.

Want to learn more about living minimally? Visit: http://unclutterer.com/ and zenhabits.net

Peace,

M.

Sympathy (A Love Song)

1) You're so far away
And every second I'm without you
Is a second I get closer to breaking
My body's crying out for all the love
That we're not making
You say it will be okay, and you feel so bad
But there's nothing you can do
Well, we both know, yeah we both know
That's not true

Chorus:
I don't need your sympathy
I just need you next to me
To me, to me
I don't need comforting words
Baby they sound so absurd
To me, to me
Come a little closer
And I'll show you what we can be

2) Well I don't wanna rush
But I want you so badly
And I've waited long enough
Let me take you over
I promise it'll be worth your while
Give me one night
Won't stop until I make you smile

(chorus)

Bridge:
Sick of all this pointless waiting
Can't keep on anticipating
Baby come on, come on
Whatcha waiting for?
Come on, come on
I want more |
Come on, come on (2x)
I don't need your sympathy (chorus)

Common Fears About Becoming Vegan (Read This And Put Them To Bed!)

So... You've watched "Earthlings", "Food Inc", "A Delicate Balance", "Forks Over Knives" or some such documentary and decided you don't want to contribute to animal cruelty anymore. Or maybe you've decided you want to be healthier. Maybe you read somewhere that adopting a plant-based diet would reduce your carbon footprint. Heck, what if you want all three? Well, making the choice to become vegan is a good place to start. However, having been raised a certain way, or being led to believe you need meat to be healthy can make the transition extremely tough. You may have quite a few fears about being vegan. Here, I am going to address the most common ones, so you can be a happy, fearless vegan!

"I won't be able to get enough nutrients".

 Many people fear they will not get enough calcium, iron, protein, or B12 on a vegan diet. The truth is, you do not need as much of these nutrients as you think. New research has shown that more than 750 milligrams of calcium a day doesn't do much good for the body; as a matter of fact, it can actually cause problems such as irritability, depression and fatigue. Consider this: The US consumes more dairy on than any other country on the planet, and yet has more osteoporosis than any other country too! Why? Because often, the American diet lacks magnesium and potassium, which is essential for calcium absorption. You can consume a ton of calcium but they body will not absorb it without these two minerals! Have a handful of nuts for magnesium, and chow down on bananas for potassium.

As for protein, most people get way too much. Bodybuilders do not even need extra protein; the body doesn't absorb it, and excess causes kidney problems and dehydration. The rule of thumb is 0.36 grams per pound of body weight, so a 150-pound person needs 54 grams a day, and it is very easy to get this just by eating plenty of beans, tofu, tempeh, and grains!

Anemia is really not a common problem for vegans, despite the stereotype (especially not for men!) But make sure you're getting enough iron by eating leafy greens,beans and nut butters.

As for B12: Everyone (including our meat-eating brethren) needs to take B12 supplements a couple times a week for insurance purposes. A shot once a month works well and its effects are immediate.

"I won't be able to eat my favourite foods anymore."

Is it possible to be a vegan and a food lover? Well, according to my waistline, the answer is YES.  In my omnivore days, I loved breakfast burritos, hamburgers, cakes, lasagna... If it was unhealthy, I ate it! Guess what? Just because I became a vegan, I didn't stop loving my favourite foods. I just "veganise" them now. Search the Internet and you will find thousands of ways to make everything you love vegan! Why, not long ago I tried mock fish from Sophie's Kitchen (because I miss fish, but I don't miss eating toxic waste) and it was heavenly. 

"Vegan food is so boring. I won't be able to stick to it if I just eat salads and tofu all the time!"

There is so much wrong in that statement! Eating vegan is only as boring as you make it. It's a culinary adventure: Asian foods such as Thai, Japanese, and Chinese are very simple to veganise. Yearning to try something completely unique? Try Ethiopian food! The combination of spicy, flavourful stews (called wat), bread, and tibs (sautees) will be a delight for your taste buds you won't soon forget. From the pungent curries of India, to the gyros of Greece, there is always something new to discover. I personally think the fattening sandwiches and meat-and-two-soggy-cooked-vegetable combination I used to eat so often are boring! If you're too busy to cook sometimes, there are many convenience foods available (look for Amy's and Yves at your local supermarket). 

"What about going out to eat?"

Ah, restaurants. Many of our social gatherings involve food and it is hard to know exactly what is in your food when you don't have control. Restaurants often cook vegetables in butter and put milk in mashed potatoes. One restaurant in my town puts bacon and cheese on their dinner salads! Rule Number One of vegan dining out: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SPEAK UP! Ask questions such as "Does the bread have honey or butter?" Check out www.happycow.net to find vegan or vegan-friendly restaurants in your area. Where I live, we have very few vegan options (small town) so I be sure to bring something to snack on if I get hungry or eat a small meal BEFORE I go, so I do not get tempted to order something iffy when I'm out. 

Office potluck? If a well-meaning coworker offers you something with meat, dairy or eggs in it, be as polite as possible when you decline! Bring a yummy vegan dish or better yet, dessert to share. Sometimes the best way to a person's heart is through their stomach. (Hint: You may not want to slap the vegan label on it, just in case. Call it "dairy-free" or "egg-free" if you have to.)

"I'm a picky eater and I hate vegetables! What am I gonna eat NOW?"

A food critic I knew once said, "Picky eaters are bad, but picky vegetarians are the worst!" When it comes to health, yes they are. Sadly, many parents these days do not have their children eat vegetables, or eat enough, because they are busy, work long hours and don't have time to cook. In this way, one is set up for failure, because one grows accustomed to eating fast food, packaged convenience food, and other junk. This pattern of eating can have serious consequences such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease and early-onset dementia.  Do you have the palate of a five-year-old? Then you need to take a kid-friendly approach! www.vegkitchen.com has many recipes for the picky--ahem, discerning--taste buds. Also, do note, that over time your taste buds will change and you will grow to like, and probably love, the new foods you are eating. Take it from the former biggest vegetable hater in the world: yours truly.

Are there any fears you having about eating vegan I didn't mention above? Please mention it in the comments!

Matti Dos Santos

"Bacon" Explosion Burritos (and my first ever recipe blog!)

Breakfast burritos are one of my favourite foods EVER. I could seriously eat one every day and not get sick of it. However, when I became vegan, I had to alter them. Luckily, I discovered that tofu mimics the taste and texture of scrambled eggs quite well, and there are loads of bacon alternatives. Now, you don't have to be vegan, or even veggie to enjoy this delicious recipe, as it is much healthier than a traditional bacon-and-egg breakfast too.

"BACON" Explosion Burritos (3 very generous burritos)

1 (12 oz) block of firm or extra-firm tofu

salt and pepper to taste

1/2 teaspoon turmeric (this helps give the tofu that eggy yellow colour, optional)

1 tsp margarine or oil (I use Earth Balance or canola oil)

2 tbs tamari (Soy sauce works too, but tamari has a stronger flavour)

6-8 slices imitation bacon (I recommend Lightlife)

1/4 cup imitation bacon bits (not the nasty hard ones used in salads)

cheese of your choice, to taste

3 burrito-sized tortillas

OPTIONAL:

1/2 onion, diced

1/2 bell pepper (red or green), diced

1/8 cup green chile sauce or salsa

1 cup cooked o'brien or hash brown potatoes

1) Drain tofu and press. To press, put the tofu on a plate, put another plate over it. Now place something heavy like a textbook on top of the plate. Wait about 30-45 minutes so all the liquid can drain. This step is essential! If you don't press out the water, the tofu won't be able to absorb flavours and will be a soggy mess. Once tofu is pressed drain off all the water and crumble with your hand.

2) In a large skillet, heat the oil on medium-high heat. Then saute tofu, bell peppers and onions (if you are using them) for about 3-5 minutes. Now add turmeric, salt, pepper, tamari and bacon bits. Reduce heat to medium and cook for another 5 minutes.

3) Whilst the tofu is cooking prepare the bacon in a different pan. Cook according to package directions. When done set aside.

4) Heat up the tortillas. I like to heat them up directly on the burner when I have a gas stove. But if you don't, just pop them in the microwave for 30 seconds.

5) Now it's time to make the burritos. Lay the tortilla flat and line up the bacon in the center. If you made potatoes, add these as well. They'll probably overlap. Now add a small heap of the tofu mixture on top (not too much, or you won't be able to fold the burrito!). Sprinkle as much cheese as you would like on top, and add salsa or green chile sauce if you're so inclined.

6) Roll up and enjoy!

Wasn't that easy and delicious? I hope to post more recipes in the future. Stay tuned!

M.

The Last Love Letter I've Ever Gotten

Found in my Saved email folder whilst doing a routine spam purge. Here it is in its entirety.

It took me a long time to

get to a place mentally where it

didn't upset me to think about you.

From very early on when we met, I

wanted nothing but to just be with

you, around you, etc. I would have

gone anywhere, and done anything,

just to see you smile.

I don't know if I told you

this, I may have. I think I told

you this as you were telling me to

stay out of your life and how (name withheld)

was such a great guy. On that one

night when I walked to your house

really late, just as I was coming

to the roundabout that divides the

two mesas, I turned around. A

shooting star went across the sky.

I had never, ever seen one before.

I decided that it must be a good

omen, and I thought that if I had

just one wish in life it would be

to be with you. True story.

Well, I think everyone

knows what happened. For every

minute we were together you've

spent at least 6 trying to keep me

away from you, trying to get me to

leave you alone. And for every

minute we were together I've spent

6 as an emotional train wreck. Was

it worth it to me to spend 6 times

the time we were together with a

broken heart and a withered soul?

I don't know. I had become a

zombie. I didn't talk anymore then.

I walked around with one expression

on my face and was never more than

2 and a half seconds away from a

total breakdown. My boss finally

noticed that my soul had been

crushed out of existence and I was

now just an automaton. So people

tried to help me.

I spent *years* wanting

nothing else but to be with you.

And at every single step of the way

you had some method, motivation or

reason to reject me. Suppose I

should have learned to take a hint.

I'm not very smart though. At some

point I did get to a place where I

recognized that just staying away

from you and not getting

emotionally involved in anything to

do with you was the best path.

And then, much later, you

started your whole "fox-hound"

thing. I was highly suspicious that

it was bait for an emotional bear

trap. But it went on so long and I

wanted to believe it so badly that

I took it. And now I'm emotionally

maimed again.

I love you way too much for

my own good, obviously. Not very

long at all after I accepted your

efforts you discarded the entire

thing. I don't know the real reason

why but I can't believe it would be

over calling you the wrong name.

I was rejected, yet again.

I was given the "just

friends" routine.

This time was a little

different though. This time was

especially heart wrenching because

of everything else going on in my

life. I just couldn't find anything

in my life that I had to look

forward to. Nothing to give me at

least a little hope that one day it

would all just be better. I had

"us" to hope for. And I tried so

hard to keep that in my mind, to

focus on it and not have to think

about everything else in my life.

But it was just a mirage. There is

no water at this oasis, just more

sand.

Sorry about everything. I'm

sorry I've bothered you for so

long, and for whatever I did to

make you want to do this. I have no

heart to open up to anybody

anymore. I love you, since the

beginning of it all, love too much

for me, whether I hide or show it.

Like a dried out twig, I can only

bend so far before I break.


I love you and I'm sorry,

-(name withheld)
11/22/2010

**************************************************************************************

I want you all to know something. I learned a very important lesson. When a love this strong, this powerful, and this enduring comes along, for the sake of all that's green DO NOT LET IT GO. No matter what anyone tells you. No matter how difficult things may seem at the time, they can always get better. Relationships are hard work, and you have to be wiling to put in a lot of effort to make them last. People are so obsessed with the fairy-tale notion that you'll be one hundred percent happy when you're with the right person. I wish that were true but it's not.

Love letters are a lost art these days. If you love someone, write them a letter and tell them so. It means so much more than a cutesy "143" text.

M.