Found in my Saved email folder whilst doing a routine spam purge. Here it is in its entirety.
It took me a long time to
get to a place mentally where it
didn't upset me to think about you.
From very early on when we met, I
wanted nothing but to just be with
you, around you, etc. I would have
gone anywhere, and done anything,
just to see you smile.
I don't know if I told you
this, I may have. I think I told
you this as you were telling me to
stay out of your life and how (name withheld)
was such a great guy. On that one
night when I walked to your house
really late, just as I was coming
to the roundabout that divides the
two mesas, I turned around. A
shooting star went across the sky.
I had never, ever seen one before.
I decided that it must be a good
omen, and I thought that if I had
just one wish in life it would be
to be with you. True story.
Well, I think everyone
knows what happened. For every
minute we were together you've
spent at least 6 trying to keep me
away from you, trying to get me to
leave you alone. And for every
minute we were together I've spent
6 as an emotional train wreck. Was
it worth it to me to spend 6 times
the time we were together with a
broken heart and a withered soul?
I don't know. I had become a
zombie. I didn't talk anymore then.
I walked around with one expression
on my face and was never more than
2 and a half seconds away from a
total breakdown. My boss finally
noticed that my soul had been
crushed out of existence and I was
now just an automaton. So people
tried to help me.
I spent *years* wanting
nothing else but to be with you.
And at every single step of the way
you had some method, motivation or
reason to reject me. Suppose I
should have learned to take a hint.
I'm not very smart though. At some
point I did get to a place where I
recognized that just staying away
from you and not getting
emotionally involved in anything to
do with you was the best path.
And then, much later, you
started your whole "fox-hound"
thing. I was highly suspicious that
it was bait for an emotional bear
trap. But it went on so long and I
wanted to believe it so badly that
I took it. And now I'm emotionally
maimed again.
I love you way too much for
my own good, obviously. Not very
long at all after I accepted your
efforts you discarded the entire
thing. I don't know the real reason
why but I can't believe it would be
over calling you the wrong name.
I was rejected, yet again.
I was given the "just
friends" routine.
This time was a little
different though. This time was
especially heart wrenching because
of everything else going on in my
life. I just couldn't find anything
in my life that I had to look
forward to. Nothing to give me at
least a little hope that one day it
would all just be better. I had
"us" to hope for. And I tried so
hard to keep that in my mind, to
focus on it and not have to think
about everything else in my life.
But it was just a mirage. There is
no water at this oasis, just more
sand.
Sorry about everything. I'm
sorry I've bothered you for so
long, and for whatever I did to
make you want to do this. I have no
heart to open up to anybody
anymore. I love you, since the
beginning of it all, love too much
for me, whether I hide or show it.
Like a dried out twig, I can only
bend so far before I break.
I love you and I'm sorry,
-(name withheld)
11/22/2010
get to a place mentally where it
didn't upset me to think about you.
From very early on when we met, I
wanted nothing but to just be with
you, around you, etc. I would have
gone anywhere, and done anything,
just to see you smile.
I don't know if I told you
this, I may have. I think I told
you this as you were telling me to
stay out of your life and how (name withheld)
was such a great guy. On that one
night when I walked to your house
really late, just as I was coming
to the roundabout that divides the
two mesas, I turned around. A
shooting star went across the sky.
I had never, ever seen one before.
I decided that it must be a good
omen, and I thought that if I had
just one wish in life it would be
to be with you. True story.
Well, I think everyone
knows what happened. For every
minute we were together you've
spent at least 6 trying to keep me
away from you, trying to get me to
leave you alone. And for every
minute we were together I've spent
6 as an emotional train wreck. Was
it worth it to me to spend 6 times
the time we were together with a
broken heart and a withered soul?
I don't know. I had become a
zombie. I didn't talk anymore then.
I walked around with one expression
on my face and was never more than
2 and a half seconds away from a
total breakdown. My boss finally
noticed that my soul had been
crushed out of existence and I was
now just an automaton. So people
tried to help me.
I spent *years* wanting
nothing else but to be with you.
And at every single step of the way
you had some method, motivation or
reason to reject me. Suppose I
should have learned to take a hint.
I'm not very smart though. At some
point I did get to a place where I
recognized that just staying away
from you and not getting
emotionally involved in anything to
do with you was the best path.
And then, much later, you
started your whole "fox-hound"
thing. I was highly suspicious that
it was bait for an emotional bear
trap. But it went on so long and I
wanted to believe it so badly that
I took it. And now I'm emotionally
maimed again.
I love you way too much for
my own good, obviously. Not very
long at all after I accepted your
efforts you discarded the entire
thing. I don't know the real reason
why but I can't believe it would be
over calling you the wrong name.
I was rejected, yet again.
I was given the "just
friends" routine.
This time was a little
different though. This time was
especially heart wrenching because
of everything else going on in my
life. I just couldn't find anything
in my life that I had to look
forward to. Nothing to give me at
least a little hope that one day it
would all just be better. I had
"us" to hope for. And I tried so
hard to keep that in my mind, to
focus on it and not have to think
about everything else in my life.
But it was just a mirage. There is
no water at this oasis, just more
sand.
Sorry about everything. I'm
sorry I've bothered you for so
long, and for whatever I did to
make you want to do this. I have no
heart to open up to anybody
anymore. I love you, since the
beginning of it all, love too much
for me, whether I hide or show it.
Like a dried out twig, I can only
bend so far before I break.
I love you and I'm sorry,
-(name withheld)
11/22/2010
**************************************************************************************
I want you all to know something. I learned a very important lesson. When a love this strong, this powerful, and this enduring comes along, for the sake of all that's green DO NOT LET IT GO. No matter what anyone tells you. No matter how difficult things may seem at the time, they can always get better. Relationships are hard work, and you have to be wiling to put in a lot of effort to make them last. People are so obsessed with the fairy-tale notion that you'll be one hundred percent happy when you're with the right person. I wish that were true but it's not.
Love letters are a lost art these days. If you love someone, write them a letter and tell them so. It means so much more than a cutesy "143" text.
M.
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